


Sour Effervescence

by Laurasauras



Series: Evanescent Idolatry [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Absurdity, Canon-Typical Violence, Cheating, Depression, Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, Ominous Foreshadowing, Promiscuity, Relationship Problems, Self-Esteem Issues, The Homestuck Epilogues, Tricksters, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Weddings, philosophical conversations, references to suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:07:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24638068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: During their second year on Earth C, the players start to drift apart. This is made worse by a disastrous wedding, and the effects of trickster-related humiliation cause further interpersonal tension.This is part of a series that fills in the gap between the end of Homestuck and The Homestuck Epilogues. It is not a happy story. Updates weekly.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, unresolved Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Series: Evanescent Idolatry [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1701070
Comments: 36
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> While the last fic in this series had some sad and ominous moments, this one is seriously going to increase that. Read with caution.

Roxy hangs one end of the banner and looks up to make sure it’s even. Jade has already finished with her side and has flown backwards to judge the aesthetics. She twists her mouth with dissatisfaction, holds her hands up, and enlarges it just a bit more. Roxy flies next to her and nods.

ROXY: yea that looks better  
ROXY: has a dip 2 it u kno?  
ROXY: pffft ofc u do u just did it  
JADE: thats what i was going for!  
JADE: when i measured for it i wasnt factoring in that we dont want it taut  
JADE: i think it looks good!  
ROXY: me 2!

They fly back down to the front of John’s house and join Callie. Roxy takes Callie’s hand immediately. Jade clasps both hers together too and smiles widely. 

JADE: okay so thats the banner  
JADE: jane said she had something really special planned for the cake  
ROXY: u have no idea  
JADE: dirk told me he was bringing a pinata?  
ROXY: oh yea sry about that  
ROXY: my friends are weird lol  
JADE: oh i thought it was a good idea  
ROXY: ull see its fine dont stress  
JADE: and you tracked down con air  
JADE: i made sure everyone promised to be here  
JADE: i was kinda hoping terezi would be back :(  
ROXY: yea wen do we start gettin worried about her  
CALLIOPE: time and space work very differently oUt there.  
CALLIOPE: i think we stay positive Until she gives Us reason to be concerned.  
CALLIOPE: we can’t chase after her in any meaningfUl way, so we shall jUst have to trUst her!  
ROXY: yea u rite

The girls walk inside, ready to tackle the _real_ challenge of the day. Making sure John isn’t late to his party, which happens to be taking place literally inside his own house. 

Two hours later and Roxy realises she was being naive to think that the hardest part would be getting John ready. It’s been a while since they were all in one room together, and Jade’s welcoming bag of candy for the guests seems to be hyping everyone up to a degree that would be more reasonable at a five-year-old’s birthday party, not a 17th. 

They’re supposed to be watching _Con Air._ Callie is making an effort to keep watching, but Roxy is diverted by the fact that Jake has his pistols out and is riding John’s pogo ride around inside. She has no idea how to stop this.

ROXY: could u control yr man pls  
DIRK: I’m actually trying not to do that.  
DIRK: Nice air, English.

Dirk holds a thumbs up to Jake as Jake lands perilously at the foot of the stairs. He actually has very impressive balance. He’s probably not going to injure himself. There are bystanders to consider though.

ROXY: wtf is up with him  
DIRK: I’m gonna go with post-postmodern expression. Maybe even post-post-post.  
DIRK: Actually, that thing is an English magnet.   
DIRK: Every time we’ve come ‘round here, swear to Henson. 

Roxy sighs, then sees Karkat walking towards the kitchen. Dave’s told her multiple times that Karkat could rally an army around any cause, no matter what. He definitely should be able to handle Jake.

ROXY: karkat!  
ROXY: could u do somethin about this?

She waves demonstrably at “this”. Rose steps neatly to the side as Jake careens past her, watching after him curiously. For some reason, no one apart from Roxy views this as a big deal. Karkat assesses the situation.

KARKAT: I’M ON IT.

Karkat marches towards Jade. He knows exactly how to handle this. Jade’s lying upside down on the back of the couch, so he pulls her upright.

KARKAT: HARLEY, I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT MISSION.  
JADE: !!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE TO PLAY AN INTEGRAL PART.  
KARKAT: THIS IS COMING ALL THE WAY FROM THE TOP, ROXY ASKED ME TO DO THIS.

A minute later, and Karkat is facing off against Jake. He’s dual-wielding shaving cream, astride Jade’s back, and has Jake backed into a corner. More fool Jake for choosing a weapon he can’t fire at his friends without killing them. Advantage: Karkat.

ROXY: y is everyone so fkn weird  
DIRK: This is on you.  
DIRK: You failed to specify that you wanted it stopped.   
DIRK: If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go mimic Cage’s _horrific_ accent at my bro until he wets himself or stabs me.  


Roxy goes to sit on the stairs with John. He’s smiling at the chaos at least.

ROXY: sry bb i rly did try and help  
JOHN: it’s not like i thought our friends were normal.  
ROXY: the cake is legit gonna b good tho  
ROXY: i kno u dont go 4 cake but this is gonna rock yr sox  
JOHN: i don’t hate it so much anymore.   
JOHN: and it’s not like things can get more fucked up than this.  
JOHN: roxy, this is really fucked up.  
JOHN: what’s happening here, specifically in the jake region of this room, it’s fucked up.  
ROXY: i kno  
JOHN: i’m gonna take a picture and send it to terezi.  
JOHN: she’ll be so mad she missed it.  
ROXY: wait b4 u do that  
ROXY: u seem happier  
JOHN: yeah, i guess.   
JOHN: it's dumb but i always wanted a big, stupid birthday as a kid.   
JOHN: i dunno. i guess i feel cared for?  
JOHN: makes me think things will probably be okay.   
ROXY: thats rly great john, im happy 4 u  
JOHN: i should probably follow up on that by not being such a sack of shit haha.  
JOHN: i know i basically did nothing for three years but it’s like i’m still tired from the battles.  
JOHN: maybe it’s BECAUSE i did nothing for three years, like i’m in the habit.   
ROXY: u just do shit at yr own pace ok?  
JOHN: yeah.  
ROXY: now go get in the middle of that nonsense!

John smiles at her and goes to involve himself in the fray. He really is feeling better, at least today. He thinks he probably likes the way he looks today, which is nice. And he meant it when he said that he feels cared for, even though that was probably lame.

He snaps a picture and sends it to Terezi, before sitting on the couch next to Callie. The movie’s nearly over, but the ending’s the best part anyway, and the chase is honestly improved by the chaos his friends are causing, even if it’s kind of obstructing the view.

JOHN: have you seen this before?  
CALLIOPE: no, and i don’t think this time coUnts!  
CALLIOPE: the relationship dynamics are fascinating.  
JOHN: but the only relationship is between nic cage and his loving wife and daughter.  
CALLIOPE: oh, perhaps that is the only flUshed pairing, bUt i can’t be the only one who sees something pale between poe and cyrUs the virUs.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT.  
JAKE: Avast!   
JAKE: Karkat youre not paying enough attention.  
KARKAT: SHUT UP, WE’RE DONE WITH THIS NOW, SOMEONE IS TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE.  
JOHN: nic cage isn’t really best friends with john malkovich, he’s just pretending so that he can look after his buddy.  
JOHN: wouldn’t THEY be the ones who are morals?  
CALLIOPE: oh no! baby-o isn’t remotely capable of pacifying poe, he just tried and failed!  
JOHN: look, we all think john malkovich is very compelling.  
JOHN: this is clearly the highlight of his career and he very nearly steals the show.   
JOHN: it is truly his barbeque. and it DOES taste good.   
JOHN: but he’s not in troll romance with nic cage.  
DAVE: whats going on over here  
DAVE: dirk ran out of dumb lines to drawl at me  
DAVE: is john having bad takes about con air again  
JOHN: no, calliope is this time.  
KARKAT: JOHN, CALLIE IS OBJECTIVELY CORRECT.   
KARKAT: I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEEBLE HUMAN BRAIN HAS GREAT DIFFICULTY WRIGGLING AROUND SIMPLE CONCEPTS, BUT LET US SCHOOLFEED YOU A THING OR TWO ABOUT THE MAJESTY THAT IS MOIRALLEGIENCE.  
DAVE: oh man i love this rant  
KARKAT: WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO THE HONOURS, BARFNUTS?  
DAVE: hell yes

Dave takes a seat on John’s coffee table and places his hands on each of his knees in a mimicry of one of Karkat’s more common seating positions. He considers shouting, but he’s just not capable. He really has heard this speech a lot though, mostly because he nervously danced around the topic of whether he and Karkat were pale for almost six months. They’re not, though Karkat once shooshed Dave, blushed right to his horns, and didn’t look him in the eye for a week. 

DAVE: your mouldy sponge might think that moirallegience is best friends plus and a strong friendship should absolutely be the foundation that its built on  
DAVE: but its not where you make each other friendship bracelets and always pick each other first for deathball  
DAVE: deathball is like dodgeball but so very much worse btw  
JOHN: why are you saying alien things?  
DAVE: fine ill riff if you dont want me to stick to the script  
DAVE: palemance is all about the conciliation  
DAVE: take malkovich and cage  
JOHN: they’re NOT  
DAVE: yeah dude they totally are  
DAVE: malkovich is a total psycho and cage cajoles the shit out of him  
DAVE: keeps that highblood destruction in CHECK  
DAVE: wait i mean regular destruction  
JOHN: this is dumb, they’re not aliens.  
DAVE: look if you dont want to face facts thats not on me  
DAVE: lets ask kanaya she has to weigh in on this she knows everything

Dave gets up, flashsteps with a disconcerting blur to the kitchen, and escorts Kanaya to the living room.

KANAYA: I Was Having A Conversation  
DAVE: thisll only take a sec

He points at the TV, which is now at the songs part of the credits. Not exactly illustrative, but he refuses to let that stop him. 

DAVE: cage and malkovich in con air  
DAVE: first thing that comes to mind  
KANAYA: A Truly Whirlwind Moirallegience  
KANAYA: Its Actually A Little Embarrassing To Watch  
JOHN: okay FINE.  
JOHN: i don’t care about this enough to make this a multi-friend debate.  
ROSE: Why has my fiancée been stolen?  
ROXY: (how fkn cute is it that she says that at evry opportunity)  
CALLIOPE: (very cUte!)  
DAVE: cause i needed backup that cage and malkovich are moirails in con air  
ROSE: Was that even up for debate?  
ROSE: It’s just fact.  
JOHN: ARGH!  
JOHN: this is more stupid than jake being on my pogo ride literally every time he visits!  
JOHN: can we just go do the cake thing?

Cake is an adequate distraction. The group piles into the kitchen and Jane finally unveils her creation. It leaves the room quite literally speechless for several beats.

ROXY: this is one of those situations where yall can applaud

Still vaguely stunned, the gang applauds the cake, which is a perfect replica of Matthew McConaughey’s face. John slowly smiles and then pushes through the crowd so that he can give Jane a big, squeezy hug. 

JOHN: he’s beautiful.  
JOHN: i would like to shed a single tear of appreciation but i can’t actually do that on command.  
JOHN: dave will you please cry for me?  
DAVE: davesprite told you i can do that didnt he  
DAVE: feathery asshole  
DAVE: alright ill do it but only because its your bday

The room looks at Dave in anticipation. He looks uncomfortable. 

ROSE: Let me guess. You can’t do it if everyone’s looking.  
DAVE: no it actually helps  
DIRK: Gross?  
DAVE: mmmmMMMMRRRRGHH  
DIRK: Gross.  
DAVE: tada

Dave swipes a finger underneath one of the lenses of his shades and holds it up for examination. Jade, who is closest, leans in close. Unable to see anything, she licks his finger. 

JADE: i cant tell if that was tear salty or just regular finger salty  
DAVE: lame  
DIRK: Can we please just have some weirdly realistic McConaughcake?

It turns out they can just have some weirdly realistic McConaughcake. Jane is extravagantly praised, which she takes with very pretty humility. Jane’s humility is a thing to watch, she has a way of ducking her head downwards but then looking up again as if barely daring to accept the praise she is given. It makes her eyelashes look longer, her eyes bluer, and her cheeks somehow look fuller, though that might be because she has a faint blush to them. It also makes Roxy continue to compliment her after everyone has stopped, captivated by the transformation of her best friend.

There’s probably a heterosexual explanation for that. Or at least a monogamous one, considering she’s also holding Callie’s hand as she eats cake with her free one. 

Now that things have calmed down some, Dirk sidles casually over to Jade’s chair. He moves like someone who has read the dictionary definition for “sidle” and thought it was a verb deserving of use. It makes his legs look strangely long.

DIRK: So, nice work there as a steed.  
JADE: thanks  
DIRK: So, Dave mentioned a while back that he made a fursona for your benefit.  
JADE: i mean he said it was for me?  
JADE: he kind of just did it  
DIRK: Oh, so you’re not into that?  
JADE: omg no dont get me wrong!!  
JADE: i have a huge interest in fantastical fauna of an anthropomorphological persuasion!  
JADE: i just never felt the need to roleplay about it  
JADE: i would have loved to have wolfish attributes but who wouldnt?  
DIRK: Guess you really lucked out there.  
JADE: yeah!  
JADE: i mean it was kind of silly and childish but i like my body  
DIRK: There are plenty of adult furries.  
JADE: yeah but i didnt want to pretend i wanted to BE   
JADE: well basically exactly as i am now  
JADE: animals dont think too much you know?  
JADE: i do a lot of that  
DIRK: I can relate.  
DIRK: It’d be pretty peaceful to be able to turn that off once in a while.  
JADE: yeah!!  
JADE: i didnt want to be “burdened with orchestrating the future or your friends will die”!  
JADE: and also i was raised by a dog?  
JADE: it would have been nice for him to be enough  
JADE: i was a pretty ungrateful master :(

Dirk’s eyes widen and he looks over at Roxy, hoping she will sense his lack of comforting skills and help. She does not, so he pats Jade uncertainly on the shoulder. She gives him a grateful smile. Her bar for comforting gestures is pretty low.

DIRK: So I take it you never dressed up.  
JADE: no  
JADE: pretending to be an anthropomorphic animal back then would be dumb  
JADE: i was a girl not a wolf and i had real things to do!  
JADE: and im not even one now  
JADE: im still a girl!!  
JADE: i just have some extra bits  
JADE: and i LIKE them!  
JADE: having ears or whatever doesnt make me less of a girl

Dirk opens his mouth, processes what she has said and closes it again. 

DIRK: Yeah, of course.  
DIRK: They suit you, though.  
DIRK: The ears.   
DIRK: They’re pretty?

Dirk closes his eyes in self-exasperation behind his shades. Time to change the subject. He doesn’t even call Jake pretty, he doesn’t know what he was trying to do there.

DIRK: Uh…  
DIRK: I also am interested in… what we were talking about.  
JADE: youre a furry?  
DIRK: I’m really not into labels.  
DIRK: I don’t want to be a noun.  
JADE: okay!  
JADE: if you wanted to we could hang out some time and maybe draw some fursonas?  
JADE: its fun even if its silly!!  
DIRK: Yeah, I’d like that.

He smiles awkwardly at her and decides it’s time to make a stunning play for weirdest party guest, sneaking in just before the buzzer with a very impressive sports move. 

He decaptchalogues a papier-mâché Dirk. 

ROSE: Hm.   
JOHN: what the fuck.  
JADE: im sure theres a perfectly normal explanation for this!  
DIRK: Oh, there’s not.  
DIRK: I mean, he’s not a puppet if that’s what you’re worried about.  
DAVE: that did cross my mind yeah  
JOHN: i don’t want a puppet version of you for my birthday?  
DIRK: I said he’s _not_ a puppet, John. Pay attention.  
KANAYA: In That Case What Is It  
DIRK: He’s a piñata.  
KANAYA: Am I Missing Human Context  
DAVE: nah this is weird in a human way too  
DIRK: This is totally a human birthday tradition.  
ROXY: bb i told u ppl dont model them of themselves  
DIRK: I wasn’t going to make one that looks like John.  
DIRK: Then we’d be beating up an effigy of the birthday boy.  
ROSE: There’s so much here to unpack that I don’t know where to begin. 

Dirk busies himself hanging the piñata. Literally hanging, with a noose. Those who played the game with Dirk look a lot less troubled by this development than those who did not, but that’s mostly because they had advance notice.

ROXY: (i thought u were gonna try and talk him out of this)  
JAKE: (Its harmless fun roxy!)  
JAKE: (It has really good quality candy in it.)  
ROXY: (its not abt the quality of the candy!)

Dirk finishes hanging his miniature and looks expectantly at the group. 

DIRK: So, who wants to kill me?  
JOHN: this is fucked, dirk.  
JOHN: this is more fucked than what jake was doing earlier and karkat’s response to it.  
JOHN: you were being so normal!  
DIRK: You shouldn’t have let your guard down.  
DIRK: I take it you don’t want to whip out a hammer and give me a pounding in recompense for making your birthday weird?  
DIRK: Piñata me, obviously.  
JOHN: NO!

Dirk shrugs. 

DAVE: fine

Silence. No one else wants to volunteer. No one wants to ask why Dave is so willing to go a round with the piñata.

DAVE: i mean we all know its gonna be me anyway  
DAVE: bro this isnt gonna be a thing where you beat the shit out of me with a piñata is it  
DIRK: I don’t have a piñata-kind specibus.  
DIRK: Watch your back around fancy santas, though.  
DAVE: duly noted

Dave equips the same sword he decapitated the real Dirk with, the one he needed to use to get a hit on the Lord English-ified Jack. Dirk nods with approval, but stops him. He needs to wear a blindfold. It’s the rules. The blindfold is, of course, red. Dave was right, he was always going to be the one doing this.

Dirk takes out his phone and snaps a selfie at the moment that Dave cuts the piñatas head off. 

JOHN: alright, that’s actually enough.  
JOHN: the party can be over now.   
JAKE: The candy is really good quality!  
JOHN: yeah, sure.  
JOHN: everyone take some dirk-guts on your way out.  
JOHN: i’m just  
JOHN: i’m just done with this.

John goes to bed. He’s quite calm as he stares up at his bedroom ceiling and listens to the sounds of his friends leaving. In fact, he’s peaceful. He laughs quietly to himself. What a _fucking_ weird birthday.


	2. Chapter 2

Dirk lies across the couch in Rose’s living room. She’s in an armchair next to him. She holds a notebook and pen, though she doesn’t use it for anything other than writing down their particularly clever witticisms so that she can tweet them later as if they’re off the cuff. This positioning is incredibly intentional and ironic. 

Dirk likes it when Rose plays therapist with him, something that occurs exclusively between the two of them now. He's honest because he sees it as a game where he loses if she finds something he truly doesn't want to talk about and where she’s able to get rid of her deep-seated desire to pick people apart on someone who _wants_ it. 

It’s ironic because they’re playing a game, but they both know they need the excuse to connect on an emotionally vulnerable level, and the fact that they know what they’re doing is a part of the game that doesn't exclude it either from irony or sincerity.

There’s layers. They’re both very willing to explain it to anyone who admits to not understanding it. None of their friends would enjoy the longer explanation and have so far avoided prompting it.

DIRK: The real problem is that I’ve solved consorts.  
ROSE: How derogatory.  
DIRK: I have, though.  
DIRK: I’ve implemented countless initiatives into their society and yes, some have given me more trouble than others, but I can train any consort to perform any activity. Within the realms of physical and moral capability, of course.  
ROSE: _Any_ consort?  
DIRK: My most recent initiative was an “at risk youths” reach-out program.  
DIRK: I took the problem kids under my wing and made them into productive members of society.  
DIRK: Solved. Any consort.  
DIRK: I guess I’m doing this bullshit now so that I have an answer to the dreaded, “So, what have you been up to?”  
ROSE: And how does that make you feel?  
DIRK: Restless. Frustrated.  
DIRK: Props for the therapy line, by the way.  
ROSE: Thank you.  
ROSE: I’m not sure what the answer to this is.  
ROSE: Of course you could begin similar initiatives with members of other kingdoms, but I doubt that would leave you suddenly fulfilled.  
ROSE: You’re not getting any social pleasure out of this, I assume?  
ROSE: Otherwise you would stay with a group once you had established it.  
DIRK: Don’t get me wrong, I fuckin’ love consorts.   
DIRK: And I may be demeaning of them occasionally, but they have genuine personalities (problematic nature of that word aside), and I do enjoy talking to them.  
DIRK: I actually have friends among them.  
DIRK: This one nakodile, Carlos...  
DIRK: He starts every single conversation with a truly terrible joke. Won’t talk to me until he’s told me how many tealbloods it takes to screw in a lightbulb.  
ROSE: But you feel empty.  
DIRK: Damn, Rose. Is this all there is?

Rose taps her pen against her notepad thoughtfully and recrosses her legs. The question is uncomfortable for her. Her days have lacked a certain kind of satisfaction too. 

ROSE: What about your other interests?  
ROSE: Robotics, art...  
ROSE: Puppets.  
ROSE: Do you engage in them anymore?  
DIRK: Sure.  
DIRK: And I write essays on old Earth culture. I’ve begun researching Earth C for the same purpose.  
DIRK: I see my friends in carefully selected intervals that ensure I don’t give them Strider fatigue, or worse, look uncool.  
DIRK: Hell, sometimes I bake.   
DIRK: I’m not lacking activities, it just isn’t...  
DIRK: Like _fuck,_ is happiness even real?  
ROSE: I’ve been happy.  
ROSE: Surely you’ve been happy.  
DIRK: Sure, I’ve BEEN happy, I’ve EXPERIENCED happiness.  
DIRK: As a state of being though?  
DIRK: Seems bullshit.

Neither of them speak for a while. Rose has nothing to say that would fall under the banner of reassuring, and while she has the vague itch to problem-solve, Dirk’s apathy isn’t something that presents a solution. He’s doing everything right: varied activities, socialisation, and she knows that his diet and exercise regime are of the caliber that Instagrammers pretend to achieve. 

The worst part is that she’s not sure he’s wrong. Those same Instagrammers that allude to perfect diets also caption their pictures #blessed and #goals, but do they truly believe that they have achieved divine and aspirational existences? From a public perspective, Dirk is #kingofconsorts, #godsofinstagram and #hearteyes—and clearly he’s not just the cool facade he lets the world see. Are there really people out there who would answer, “How are you?” with something more elevated than, “Fine”?

DIRK: I was almost expecting you to tell me that I’m just missing out on some secret ingredient that you achieve when you engage in matrimony.  
ROSE: Getting engaged doesn’t magically make you “happy”.  
DIRK: What does it make you?  
DIRK: Hang on, swap.

They both get up, Rose hands her notebook to Dirk, and he takes the chair, she the couch. Where his arrangement on the couch was carefully careless, an arm winging underneath his head and a leg dangling to the floor, Rose takes on the posture of a vampire encoffined for the night. Dirk decaptchalogues an orange pen and his therapist shades. They’re pretty similar to his regular shades. One might even say identical. Dirk insists that they have a calming blue tint to them.

DIRK: I’ll repeat.  
DIRK: What does being engaged make you?  
ROSE: It makes you engaged.   
ROSE: No.  
ROSE: I was being evasive and obtuse, allow me to begin again.   
DIRK: Of course.  
ROSE: I am happy with Kanaya. I’m glad I asked her to marry me.  
ROSE: But I have to admit to a degree of ennui.  
ROSE: I won’t pretend that this feeling, a malaise that permeates through the capillaries of life and intoxicates me with a weariness towards existence is a new condition.  
ROSE: It wasn’t even an affliction I gained while traversing the agoraphobic oppressiveness of paradox space for an eternity inside three years.  
ROSE: Is it a condition that everyone is born with? Just those who share your genes? One I cultivated so as to ascend to a Plathian echelon of poetry?  
DIRK: I’m happy to blame my genes.  
DIRK: Or unhappy to, as the case may be.

Rose turns her head to smile at him. Whether or not she can attribute her morbidity to him (and she suspects she came by that on her own), the cocktail of narcissism and self-deprecation that Dirk marinates in is undeniably a family recipe. 

ROSE: Let’s refrain from ascribing all cases of depression in the universe to your DNA for now.   
DIRK: Ah. We’re using that word now.  
ROSE: It would be dishonest to continue to evade it, such as a child might feign deafness to their mother’s calls to come inside and prepare for dinner.  
DIRK: Meals sustain us.  
ROSE: And the acknowledgement of their necessity is imperative to us moving forwards.

They’re both fairly comfortable with silence. Sometimes they need it to compose their thoughts in the most articulate and aesthetic way they’re capable of. Other times their words need a moment to breathe, to permeate the room with the ideas they contain and to soften the bitter tannins. But there’s a pride too in expertly retorting without breaking the rhythm of conversation. 

ROSE: I feel incomplete.  
DIRK: Do YOU have hobbies?  
DIRK: You haven’t sent me any writing for months.

Rose takes several seconds too long to reply with a “yes”.

ROSE: I believe the match goes to you.  
DIRK: Fuck the game and don’t dodge the question. 

The very _architraves_ are now aware that Rose doesn’t have any hobbies. Dirk sighs and captchalogues his props, turning to face her more directly. She rolls to lie on her side.

ROSE: I’m losing myself in a labyrinth of wifehood and I’m not even married yet.   
ROSE: Though I am prone to spells of melodrama, so perhaps my word can’t be trusted.  
DIRK: What happened with your writing?  
ROSE: Well, you’ve seen how I plot. That part’s fine.  
ROSE: I get swept away in the allure of a new story, spending days in a crazed fugue where I can barely be dragged away for food and sleep.  
DIRK: I’m happy to blame my genes for that one, too.  
ROSE: But then I sit down to actually write the story and...  
ROSE: I used to bleed words. They were effortless.  
ROSE: Clearly I do not have this problem with speech, but now when I attempt to write, I find myself horrendously blocked.  
ROSE: Every sentence is inadequate, and therefore deleted.  
ROSE: When I force myself to trudge through the inadequacy I can get a scene or two down, but upon rereading I find myself so disgusted with my verbiage that I lose all respect for the story itself.  
DIRK: When did this start? Was it when you read _Complacency?_  
ROSE: Probably.  
ROSE: I hate it, Dirk.   
ROSE: It boils under my skin and makes me want to throw things, to rip down the room I occupy until there’s only rubble and the skeleton of a smoking frame.  
ROSE: I’ve cried from the pure rage of it all.

Dirk reaches out and takes Rose’s hand. When she looks in his eyes, she sees complete understanding. She mourns the lives she feels they were entitled to. They _won,_ didn’t they? Is this victory?

ROSE: Kanaya hates to see me so miserable.  
ROSE: I often follow after her in the caverns and keep her company, just to fill my days away from the computer.  
ROSE: I read, I suppose that’s a hobby.

Dirk releases her hand, but stays leaning forward towards her. He feels a fierce protectiveness for Rose, a feeling that leaves him swimming in the knowledge that he’s her father. He wants to fix this for her, but he doesn’t even know how to fix his own bullshit. Still, he resolves to be more present. He mentally reschedules his visits with her to occur with more frequency. 

ROSE: I’ve been researching wedding vows.  
ROSE: You’re familiar with _Romeo and Juliet._  
DIRK: I’ve read the SparkNotes.  
ROSE: What’s in a name?  
ROSE: Juliet finishes that soliloquy by entreating Romeo to renounce his name, which _she_ claims is no part of him but _I_ would argue is his very identity, and instead take all of her.  
DIRK: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet...  
ROSE: It’s a common rhetoric.  
ROSE: “I’m yours”, “I carry your heart in my heart”, “I belong to you”.  
ROSE: Is there truth to that?  
ROSE: Do we give ourselves, or part of our selves, to our partners?  
DIRK: Wrong guy to ask.  
DIRK: I literally gave Jake a piece of my heart.  
DIRK: That’s kind of my deal.  
DIRK: Actually, if you consider the brobot I built him, I probably gave him two.  
DIRK: I’d rip out my physical heart if I thought he needed it.  
ROSE: That’s... intense.  


Dirk shrugs.

DIRK: I’m an intense dude.  
DIRK: You mean more metaphorically, though.  
ROSE: Yes.  
DIRK: I am changed by him.  
ROSE: Yes, that was my conclusion too.  
ROSE: Do you think that you’re your own person?  
DIRK: Unfortunately, yes.  
DIRK: I’m not only changed by Jake, my other connections have shaped my development as well.  
DIRK: But who I am is my own doing.  
DIRK: I wanted to say “fault” there, but that’d be fuckin’ revealing.  
ROSE: Surprisingly, that makes me feel better.

Rose sighs and sits up. She pats the couch next to her and Dirk takes the invitation. They’re not touching, but they’re close enough that they could be in a movie theatre, contemplating whether or not to dare hold hands.

DIRK: I think I’m having the precise opposite problem to you.  
ROSE: Oh?  
DIRK: I want to give more than Jake wants to receive.   
ROSE: Oh.  
DIRK: I think I keep myself so busy to distract myself from that.   
DIRK: I’m trying so fuckin’ hard not to be overbearing.   
DIRK: I’m too much and not enough at the same time.  
ROSE: You might feel that way, but I doubt very much that it’s true.  
ROSE: It definitely isn’t for me.  
DIRK: Are you sure?  
DIRK: This conversation is so heavy, I can already feel regret for everything I’ve said.   
DIRK: Usually I at least get in the car before that happens.  
ROSE: You regret our openness?  
DIRK: That’s not what I mean.  
DIRK: I regret following up your issues with my issues.  
DIRK: Can I not let you speak for five fucking minutes without insisting on distracting us both with my endless bullshit?  
ROSE: Listen to me right now, because I won’t tolerate a misunderstanding here.

Rose turns to face Dirk directly and waits for him to look her in the eye. She can tell, even with the shades in the way.

ROSE: I would not express my own vulnerability without an assurance that you are meeting me halfway.  
ROSE: I feel a bone-deep connection with you and Roxy that I’ve only felt previously with Dave, something that screams family and trust in a way that requires absolutely no work and has both alarmed and comforted me.  
ROSE: You will not regret a single word you have said to me, because I treasure them. I will not have you questioning my good taste in words.

Dirk stares at Rose, his mind fighting furiously with itself. He wants to believe her, but doesn’t deserve to, but can’t doubt her, but it’s the easy way out. He shakes his head to clear it from spiralling into self-absorbed torture. He doesn’t have to internalise this all the way down, he can just say ...

DIRK: Okay.

And he’ll work on making that true.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that trickster mode is so eye-searing. I had intended it to be even worse, but after hours of messing with it I couldn't make gifs out of the text. Thankfully, doing things this way actually means that you can highlight the text to make it more legible!

Rose and Kanaya’s wedding takes place outside, under a tasteful arch and with a distinct lack of production. They look stunning, though their clothes are simple and they’ve abandoned their usual makeup. They’re just themselves. 

They don’t have a celebrant, opting to do the official thing later (perhaps when they’ve turned 18 and it’s legal, though there’s been some talk of godly perks), but instead affirm their love and promise their lives to one another with no concern for the involvement of deity or state. Their vows are long and personal, and are spoken with perfect conviction.

The guests quietly pass a box of tissues amongst themselves as they sit on chairs borrowed from Mr Crocker’s dining set, abiding by the strict dress code of “the clothes you’d feel most comfortable in at a picnic”. The brides want them to be themselves too. It came as somewhat of a surprise when everyone learned how lowkey Rose and Kanaya wanted it; after all, they’re both very dramatic. But today needs no adornment.

Afterwards, the food provided is actually picnic food to match the guests, and sourced from a hotel that Rose and Dave visited recently. The cake is a Crocker special, presented as the casual meal ends.

Also presented is a sucker, spiralled in red and green.

Rose’s intuited sense of foreboding is enough to make her pick Kanaya up and fly back behind the arch, but the rest of the humans are _hypnotised_ by the juju.

DIRK: Callie, where did you get that thing?  
DIRK: Jane said it dropped down a cavern on a moon that blew up in a different universe.  
CALLIOPE: jUjUs don’t work like that!  
CALLIOPE: it foUnd its way back to me. ^u^  
JANE: I forgot how beautiful it is.  
CALLIOPE: i so adored hearing yoUr tales of the wonder and magic that occUred last time yoU all partook!  
CALLIOPE: and what better occasion than a wedding to engage in perfect happiness?  
JOHN: perfect happiness?  
ROSE: I don’t understand, can’t they feel the danger in that thing?  
KANAYA: I Dont Feel Anything Towards It At All

Callie hands the lollipop to Jake first. His eyes go wide with unguarded fear and horror, but much as he tries to hold it away from him, even trying to hand it to Dirk, he can’t help but lick it. The transformation is instant, and he flings the lollipop crowd-ward before seizing Dirk by his “formal wifebeater” and shoving his tongue in his mouth.

Dave catches the lollipop, and succumbs to licking it even faster than Jake, unaware and unwary of the consequences. His punch to John’s arm passes along the infection, and before Rose can do anything to help, all the humans are fully trickster.

KARKAT: WELL THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD.  
CALLIOPE: oh, they all look so fantastic!  
CALLIOPE: this will help marveloUsly!  
CALLIOPE: haven’t yoU all noticed that we’re drifting apart?  
CALLIOPE: this will help yoU confront yoUr problems and solve them throUgh UngUarded commUnication.

Jane neglected to mention the distress they underwent last time they went trickster, or the brutal hangover afterwards. She knew that Callie had only wanted to make her birthday nicer, and hadn’t wanted her to feel guilty about the gift. The others agreed to keep the secret. None of them had thought it was possible for it to happen again.

ROXY: yessss!!!!  
ROXY: lets solve all our personal propros!!!!  
DAD: YES.  
DAD: YOU ALL SHOULD VISIT MORE OFTEN.  
DAVE: okay!!  
JAKE: Okay!!  
JANE: Okay!!  
ROXY: okay!!  
JADE: okay!!  
DIRK: Yeah, probably.  
ROXY: okay!! i said it twice i wiiiiiiin!!!!!!  
JOHN: you’re not my real dad! hahahahahahahaha!!!!!  
DAD: HOLD STILL, DIRK.

Dirk does not hold still. That’s a terrifying instruction to receive from a man in a lurid suit who has just transformed into a candy-coated monster. Unfortunately, the rest of the gang are feeling pretty suggestable, and Roxy and Jade grab him before he can fly away.

DAD: I HAVE STAYED SILENT FOR TOO LONG ON THE SUBJECT OF YOUR FACIAL HAIR.  
JAKE: Ooooh yes it is awful!  
DIRK: You said it was fine!  
DAVE: its the worst thing ever!

Dirk has recently grown a soul patch. This is mostly because he noticed he could. He has failed to notice the pained expressions on his friends’ faces when he has sought compliments on it.

DAD: THIS IS A FANTASTIC APPLICATION OF SOLVING PERSONAL PROBLEMS!

Mr Crocker removes a straightedge razor and shaving cream from his wallet sylladex. Dirk tries to struggle away, but the girls holding him are incredibly strong. Mr Crocker holds him still by the forehead and rids him of one of the greatest affronts to facial adornment (and indeed faces in general) the world has ever seen.

JANE: Yaaaay!!!!   
KANAYA: I Actually Agree With The Yay Here Despite My Confusion

Flushed with triumph, Mr Crocker releases Dirk and sits happily on one of the chairs, smoking his pipe with gusto. Jake keeps running his fingers over the incredibly smooth skin of Dirk’s liberated chin. Dirk struggles to keep his breathing even. It’s not the fact that he was just a mercifully unscathed victim of Mr Crocker’s gleefully insane Sweeney Todd impersonation, it’s that he was robbed of any control during it. He knows he can risk his neck when called to, but it wasn’t _him_ doing the risking. The rest of the party continues as he remains frozen in place, refusing to let his hands shake.

ROXY: guyssssss   
ROXY: guysss   
ROXY: were at a freakin wedding!!   
ROXY: we need to celebrate the wedding!!!!!   
ROXY: omg rosie y r u not all trickstered up this shit is the bomb!!   
ROSE: You look beautiful, but I don’t want to partake.   
ROSE: Thank you for your understanding.   
DAVE: we are SO understanding and good   
DAVE: man i LOVE you guys!!   
DAVE: how are we celebrating love roxy??   
ROXY: the wedding way!!!!!!

It’s not clear where Roxy got her education on weddings. Regardless, over the course of an hour and a half, Rose and Kanaya find themselves hoisted above the tricksters’ heads in chairs and danced around, in the centre of a game of hide and seek in which hiding under the table perplexes everyone for about twenty minutes despite there being no other hiding places, and accosted by several animals who are obtained seemingly from nowhere and decorated. Rose asks, “Whose mule is this?” in utter bafflement before giving up on perplexity for the foreseeable future. 

Eventually even Roxy becomes bored with devoting all her attention to the happy couple and Rose and Kanaya are left in peace to sit apart from the chaos and alternate between spectating and losing themselves in the enthralling depths of each other’s eyes.

Karkat, while also immune, is taking a more active role in trying to mitigate the absurdity around them. Rose has advised him that there’s nothing to do but wait it out, he’s not quite capable of her equanimity. It’s not going spectacularly well.

KARKAT: SIR, YOU REALLY DON’T NEED TO IRON THAT.   
DAD: I RESPECT YOUR ADVICE, YOUNG MAN, BUT THIS GRASS IS CROOKED AND I COME EQUIPPED WITH AN IRON!!   
DAD: IT WOULD BE REMISS OF ME TO NEGLECT THE LANDSCAPE.   
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU’RE THE LEAST OF MY PROBLEMS.   
KARKAT: GO NUTS, IRON WHATEVER STRIKES YOUR FANCY.   
DAD: YOUR APPROVAL MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!

Karkat looks with disbelief as Mr Crocker’s eyes fill with sincere tears. And then yelps as he attempts to iron Karkat’s shoes.

KARKAT: NO!   
KARKAT: NO IRONING THINGS THAT ARE ATTACHED TO PEOPLE!   
KARKAT: I...   
KARKAT: I WILL BE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU IF YOU DO!   
DAD: I UNDERSTAND.   
DAD: PLEASE REMOVE YOUR SHOES FOR ME.

Karkat can’t sustain his outrage when faced with such bullshit. He gives up his shoes. What does he need shoes for? Shoes are basically unnecessary most of the time, but especially right now. 

He leaves Mr Crocker to his ironing and groans as he sees Dirk and Dave swordfighting. Well, forkfighting. Still, he gathers up all the cutlery, despite both of them complaining at length at their weapons being confiscated. Karkat just hopes they don’t remember that they have literal swords in their specibii. 

Dave takes Karkat’s intervention as an invitation to drape himself across his shoulders and float after him like a particularly obnoxious balloon, giggling in Karkat’s ear as Karkat forces a condom into Jake’s hand as he and Dirk descend into makeouts that far exceed the limits of propriety. He does the same to Roxy and Jade, which makes Dave laugh more.

KARKAT: WHAT?!   
KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION, YOU RIDICULOUS MAMMAL?!   
KARKAT: I’M NOT TOTALLY IGNORANT, I KNOW THAT PROTECTION IS IMPORTANT!   
DAVE: i love you SO MUCH!   
KARKAT: ...

Dave has said the same thing to most of the people at the party by now, and Karkat’s been included in these professions twice, but it’s still an impossible thing to respond to. He settles for silence, again, because it’s not like Dave’s going to notice if he’s socially awkward.

DAVE: hey!   
DAVE: hey karkat!   
DAVE: did you hear me?   
DAVE: i love you!   
DAVE: and not like a normal amount either its a frankly unruly amount   
DAVE: shit be rambunctious   
DAVE: its climbing up the walls of my mind and fornicating madly with itself and LOOK   
DAVE: its gone and made more beautiful love babies and now theres even more love!   
DAVE: what the fuck am i even supposed to do with this!!!   
KARKAT: UH...   
KARKAT: THANKS.   
DAVE: karkat tell me you love me too   
DAVE: karkat i know you love me too   
DAVE: why do we even pretend otherwise??   
DAVE: ive loved you for actual years now!!!   
DAVE: i think about kissing you ALL THE TIME!   
DAVE: things would be so much better if we just stopped LYING to ourselves and just got it on like dirk and jake are doing over there   
DAVE: theyre so wise karkat we could learn a lot from dirk and jake   
DAVE: haha this is so weird i dont think ive even seen them hold hands before tbh i wasnt even sure if they were boyfriends or if maybe they were just dudes being pals like you and me   
DAVE: except we should be like them!!!   
DAVE: we totally could!   
DAVE: imagine being BEST BROS but also getting to smoosh your mouth on my mouth all the time   
DAVE: that would be the absolute shit wouldnt it!!!   
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN GO SIT WITH ROSE AND KANAYA NOW.    
KARKAT: YOU LIKE ROSE AND KANAYA.   
KARKAT: THEY’LL LOOK AFTER YOU AND I’LL JUST HAVE THAT WHOLE CONVERSATION SEARED INTO MY THINKPAN FOR THE REST OF MY PATHETIC AND YET VERY NOBLE EXISTENCE.

Karkat leads Dave over to Rose and Kanaya, carefully sitting him next to Kanaya, who is impervious to this magic fuckery. It’s a good decision, because Dave immediately wraps his arms around her and leans his face into her arm, squishing his cheek ridiculously. 

DAVE: kanaya i LOVE you   
DAVE: you dont even KNOW   
DAVE: im so glad youre marrying my sister   
DAVE: youre just a lovely scary sexy vampire alien and i would totally dress up like you if i had the balls   
DAVE: hey!   
DAVE: let me wear your wedding dress!   
DAVE: ill be so careful with it i swear   
KARKAT: YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Karkat’s no sooner walked back towards the fray when a water balloon drops down on him, soaking him through. He glares up at John, who giggles madly and then disappears into the breeze, only to reappear behind Karkat and give him a wedgie. Karkat growls and attempts to tackle him, but dives onto the hard ground when John dissolves again. He feels paranoid as he scans the room for the idiot, but he can’t find him until he looks directly above his head. He feels as though his heart gives up. John’s eyes are _way_ too wide. It’s incredibly freaky.

JOHN: you’re not even the real karkat do you ever think about that?   
JOHN: the real karkat died in an actual battle where planets crashed into each other and everyone lost!!   
JOHN: i am really glad they gave you the weenie battle to do because you’re basically as good as the real karkat!!   
JOHN: you’re definitely rude and angry but then a sensitive baby under that, so what even is the difference?   
JOHN: i only met the real karkat for a little bit but he was okay.   
JOHN: maybe i just do not appreciate the karkats in my life!!   
JOHN: i will do that better from now on!   
JOHN: i am really glad that calliope drugged us all so that we could solve all our problems!   
JOHN: CALLIOPE! THANK YOU FOR DRUGGING US!   
JOHN: i think she’s still the real calliope, but who knows.   
JOHN: i am a big dummy who never knows what is going on, but i sure know how to follow instructions and also do this!

Karkat, who had been gaping up at John with very mixed and terrible feelings, watches in astonishment as a pie tin full of orangey-brown pie appears in John’s hands. It has cream around the edges and in the shape of a question mark in the middle. Karkat’s mouth is slightly open with disbelief when John shoves it into his face. He decides that it’s the worst flavour of pie he’s tasted so far. 

John cackles madly and disappears again. A moment later and Jane also has a faceful of pie. Karkat can’t bring himself to care, and takes a couple of minutes just to clean himself off. When he drops his soiled handkerchief, Mr Crocker seizes it and starts ironing it, pumpkin and all. He’s no longer wearing pants, they’re hanging over one of the chairs. They do admittedly look very well ironed, but it’s hard to be impressed with an adult man whose dress shirt is tucked into his briefs. 

Karkat sighs and surveys the party again. His eyes widen as he sees that Jake has stopped kissing Dirk in favour of Jane. Dirk is sitting a little ways away, his arms crossed. This can’t be good.

What had happened, was that when Jane had sat herself carefully on Dirk’s back as he made out with Jake, it had made Dirk smile and turn to pull her into a floating hug. She had squeezed him around the middle so tight that it knocked the breath out of him, and then Jake had stood up for a hug too. She kissed him instead. Jake kissed her back.

Dirk has backed away to a safe distance. He can’t believe this trickster bullshit is happening again, he can’t believe that his boyfriend is cheating on him literally right in front of him, and he can’t believe that his anger and sadness is kind of unjustified. They’re high on something that turns them into idiots who do whatever pops into their heads. It’s not their fault.

And here’s him again, unaffected. He sits and he fumes and he wonders why he can’t just be as happy as John, stuffing a frog down Jade’s collar, or Jade, making out with Roxy without noticing the frog or worrying about any consequences.

Karkat sits down next to him and pats his knee in a hesitant display of consolation.

KARKAT: ARE YOU OKAY?   
DIRK: I’m fine.   
DIRK: Haven’t you heard? That’s my thing.   
DIRK: I’m always ice-cold, even when on these bullshit drugs.   
KARKAT: I KNOW THIS IS SHIT...

He gestures at where Jane and Jake are really going at it. He looks vaguely nauseated. He _feels_ vaguely nauseated.

KARKAT: BUT I DEFINITELY PREFER NOT BEING INFECTED.   
DIRK: You don’t want to solve all your pro-pros?   
DIRK: You don’t want an excuse to be a selfish dick?   
KARKAT: LOOK, IT SUCKS BEING SOBER AND SURROUNDED BY ASSHOLES.   
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T NEWS TO EITHER OF US, I KNOW YOU DID YOUR TIME WITH THE LALONDES TOO.   
KARKAT: BUT THEY CAN’T CONTROL THEMSELVES, THEY’RE SAYING AND DOING *VICIOUSLY* IMPULSIVE THINGS.   
KARKAT: AND ROXY TOLD ME SHE REMEMBERED EVERYTHING AFTER THE LAST TIME YOU WENT TRICKSTER.   
KARKAT: TELL ME A NIGHT OF DOING THE WORST THINGS AS IF THEY’RE THE BEST IS WORTH LIVING WITH IT THE NEXT DAY.   
DIRK: You’re probably right.   
DIRK: It’s hard to appreciate that from this angle.

They both watch Jake and Jane in silence. Karkat tries to look at Dirk in a way that communicates how much he understands that this sucks. Dirk shrugs. If he were more secure in his relationship, this might have been be funny.

JANE: We should actually get married this time!   
JANE: We didn’t do it last time but now we’re at a wedding!   
JANE: We could really, really get married!!!   
JAKE: That sounds bang up the elephant jane!   
JAKE: But i cant get married to you without getting married to dirk as well.   
JANE: Okay! So we get married to him as well!   
JANE: And I’ll have a million of your babies!!!

DIRK: I hate this.   
KARKAT: YEAH.   
KARKAT: IT’S ROUGH.   
KARKAT: HOW ABOUT YOU COME AND SIT WITH ROSE, KANAYA AND DAVE?   
KARKAT: THAT HAS TO BE BETTER THAN THIS.   
DIRK: I think I have to watch him.   
DIRK: You don’t know Jake like I do, I think he’d actually kiss someone when sober if he thought they wanted it bad enough.   
DIRK: He can’t say no, it’s fucking impossible to live with, actually.   
DIRK: I have to give him so many outs.   
DIRK: But if Jane implies she wants to sleep with him...   
DIRK: It’s not just that it would kill me; I don’t think anything resembling consent can happen here.   
DIRK: You don’t have to stay, though.    
DIRK: Calliope looks like she could use your knightly instincts.

Karkat looks and sees what Dirk means. Callie is providing an almost mirror image of him and Dirk, though she’s doing it alone. Karkat’s not sure what she and Roxy are to one another, but regardless of that, Callie is clearly suffering. Not that you have to be in a relationship with someone to feel heartbroken at them kissing someone else. Karkat’s eyes jump to where Dave is now lying in Kanaya’s lap, gesturing broadly enough to backhand her across a horn accidentally. 

KARKAT: WILL YOU BE ALRIGHT?   
DIRK: I appreciate your concern, but I promise you that I’m much less likely to lose my shit than anyone here, and I’m definitely less likely to cry than she is.    
DIRK: C’mon, man. Nobody wants to see Callie cry.

Karkat pats Dirk’s knee awkwardly one more time and leaves to stand with Callie instead. He feels exhausted from putting out fires already, but he’s done this with much higher stakes and for weeks without sleep. He can get through this. He’s just gone fucking soft, apparently.

He hasn’t talked to Callie that much, and the conversations he has had with her have been about the terrible TV shows that they both watch, both reality and soap. He hasn’t ever said anything more personal to her, but she needs _someone_ right now. He’ll do.

KARKAT: HEY.   
CALLIOPE: hello!   
CALLIOPE: doesn’t everyone look wonderfUl!   
KARKAT: ...   
KARKAT: YEAH.   
KARKAT: ARE YOU OKAY?   
CALLIOPE: whatever do yoU mean?   
KARKAT: LOOK, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU AND ROXY ARE TO EACH OTHER, AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME, BUT YOU LOOK KIND OF MISERABLE.   
CALLIOPE: she is my best friend!   
CALLIOPE: ...   
KARKAT: ...   
CALLIOPE: oh, i sUppose yoU aren’t pUlling this from nowhere.   
CALLIOPE: it’s not that i wish to engage in physical intimacy with her.   
CALLIOPE: i jUst hadn’t realised that my presence was preventing her from her own desires.   
CALLIOPE: i thoUght she was like me.   
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU LIKE?   
CALLIOPE: i like the idea of romance very mUch.   
CALLIOPE: as well yoU know!   
CALLIOPE: and, well, roxy and i have played at being romantic together.   
CALLIOPE: i’m not a human, thoUgh, or even a troll.   
CALLIOPE: sUffice it to say, i cannot fUlfil the role jade cUrrently is.

Jade is definitely fulfilling a role. She’s easily as intense a kisser as Jake appears to be, and considerably more bold with her hands. Between the two couples, the wedding seems to have traversed yet another cultural boundary, akin to the tribal concupiscent ceremonies that were (probably inaccurately) portrayed in one of Karkat’s favourite fantasy TV shows back on Alternia.

KARKAT: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DIDN’T THINK THIS WAS A CHERUB EXCLUSIVE THING, THOUGH.   
CALLIOPE: some hUmans and trolls are satisfied withoUt this.   
CALLIOPE: some don’t want romance.   
CALLIOPE: i thoUght that what roxy wanted most of all was connection and love and trUst.   
KARKAT: WHO SAYS YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT THAT?   
KARKAT: THE LOLLIPOP HAS TO BE A FACTOR HERE.   
CALLIOPE: ...   
KARKAT: WHAT *IS* THAT THING?   
CALLIOPE: it is a very powerfUl jUjU.   
CALLIOPE: a treasUre to my people and the only element of cherUbim i was pleased to inherit. it has magical properties.   
CALLIOPE: when one licks it, they abandon their cares!   
CALLIOPE: they can see with great clarity their problems and have the coUrage to solve them!   
KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS FAKE AS SHIT.   
CALLIOPE: i sUppose.

Callie once again looks close to tears. Karkat is very alarmed by this development, and fishes out another handkerchief from his sylladex. How many does he even have in there? It’s impossible to know, but it possibly has something to do with the fact that no one remembered to bring napkins to their last picnic.

KARKAT: I MEAN, IT SOUNDS FAKE FROM A TROLL’S PERSPECTIVE.   
KARKAT: IT DIDN’T EVEN WORK ON ME AND KANAYA, PROBABLY BECAUSE GOING OUT OF YOUR MIND WOULD BE INSANELY FUCKING RISKY ON ALTERNIA.   
KARKAT: IMAGINE IF YOUR PROBLEM WAS THAT YOUR NEIGHBOUR WANTED TO CULL YOU AND THE RIDICULOUS CANDY MAGIC MADE YOU THINK YOU SHOULD “HUG IT OUT”?   
KARKAT: IT DOESN’T LOOK FANTASTIC FOR THE HUMANS EITHER, BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO KILL THEM.   
KARKAT: THEY GET ALMOST THIS STUPID WHEN THEY DRINK THEIR SOPORIFIC SILLY WATER.   
CALLIOPE: ...   
KARKAT: IF IT’S FOR CHERUBS, HOW COME YOU AREN’T BEING A LACKADAISICAL MORON TOO?   
CALLIOPE: oh, i didn’t lick it.   
CALLIOPE: i didn’t want to risk tUrning into a world devoUring serpent. :u   
KARKAT: OKAY THEN.

Jade has managed to get Roxy’s bra off without removing her shirt. Karkat failed to see how this maneuver took place and is kind of intrigued. He recoils from his ridiculous thoughts and focuses back on the distressed girl next to him.

KARKAT: LISTEN, YOU DON’T HAVE TO WATCH THIS.   
KARKAT: I KNOW THIS IS SOMETHING YOU GOT A LOT OUT OF HEARING ABOUT OR WHATEVER, BUT IT’S CLEARLY HURTING YOU TO SEE THIS.   
KARKAT: GO HOME, CALLIE.

Callie looks up at him with her big, green eyes, her eyelashes thick and slightly shiny with the tears she’s successfully blinked back so far. She nods.

KARKAT: I’LL LOOK AFTER HER, FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH.   
CALLIOPE: i know.   
CALLIOPE: thank yoU.

Callie walks away. Karkat watches her go for about a second and a half before he remembers that there’s plenty of pressing issues to demand his attention. 

Mr Crocker is now ironing Roxy’s bra. That’s fine. Jake is lying on his back on his own, Dirk still watching him without approaching, so that’s on hold for the moment. Dave’s still safe with Rose and Kanaya. John and Jane are having a cake fight.

This is going to be annoyingly messy to resolve.

Karkat steps warily towards them, and then stops when he hears what they’re saying.

JANE: And you need to stop being such a mopey nothing all the time and then all your problems will be solved!   
JOHN: yes!!   
JOHN: and you need to stop being such a huge mega bitch to everyone and then all your problems will be solved!   
JANE: Yes!!   
KARKAT: (jesus christ.)   
JOHN: it’s karkat!   
JOHN: i like karkat, he never makes me feel bad on purpose!   
JANE: He’s not trickster like us, John!   
JANE: (It’s because he’s an alien!)

Jane’s whispering voice is no quieter than her normal trickster voice, which is plenty loud. She puts her hand up to her cheek in John’s direction as she “whispers”, but it doesn’t remotely cover the sound or the shape of her lips.

JOHN: yeah, a COOL alien!   
JOHN: and! did you know! technically I’M an alien on this planet?   
JOHN: i wasn’t born here!   
JOHN: neither were you! i birthed us all out of a test tube in space.   
JANE: Yes! But he’s an *alien* alien.   
JANE: He’s basically an insect!!   
JANE: That’s why the wonderful sugar magic doesn’t work on him!    
JANE: Why would it work on nasty insects who are made from eggs!!!

John throws more cake at her, laughing crazily. Karkat doesn’t think he can help in this situation. He feels uncomfortable in a way that’s entirely foreign to him, and he has to take a moment to process it. He sits next to Jake, remembering what Dirk said about Jake giving people what they want, and wanting desperately to have some quiet.

It’s not as if he’s never been the target of bigotry. He grew up as a mutant, and even when people didn’t know, even when he pretended he himself didn’t know, he could only pass for a lowblood and he got plenty of shit for that alone. He learned to hate every part of himself before he even learned how to use a husktop.

His self-hatred was at its peak about four years ago, when he had barely met Dave and Rose and he’d just got out of the most traumatic collapse from leadership he could imagine. It hit especially hard because it had nothing to do with his blood, it was all him, who he was when his blood wasn’t a factor was not good enough.

But Dave ... He and Dave made a quiet little space where they didn’t have to think about their stupid past selves, and instead learned to each like the other in a way unburdened by quadrants, and to trust that they liked each other. It didn’t matter who he was on Alternia, he didn’t have to talk about that or even _think_ about that, he could just be “Dave’s bro”.

This planet was supposed to be different. No one cares about blood colours, and he lives with the person he trusts most to like him for him. He didn’t realise that someone from the players, from the _family,_ hated him.

And it isn’t just hate. He saw the emotions underlying her mania. She hates him in the way people hate day walkers; she’s repulsed and _afraid_ of him.

JAKE: Howdy karkat!   
JAKE: I didnt see you there!   
KARKAT: I’VE BEEN SITTING HERE AT LEAST TEN MINUTES, NOOKFART.   
JAKE: Gadsbudlikins!   
KARKAT: WHAT.   
JAKE: I have been a rude ninny lying here all in ignorance of my bosom pal!!   
JAKE: Let me make it up to you!!   
JAKE: I know what you want! *Double pistols and a WINK!*

Karkat doesn’t quite believe Jake is going to kiss him until it’s happening. His hands flounder around for a moment before they settle on Jake’s shoulders and push him gently away. Jake looks at him as if heartbroken from rejection. The taste of cotton candy lingers on Karkat’s lips. He feels a bit betrayed by life that that was his first kiss, with a guy tripping balls who he barely knows.

KARKAT: YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO SIT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND.

Across the room, Rose pulled Kanaya back to stop Dave’s forehead from colliding with her chin as he abruptly sat up. Some sense of his had alerted him to the fact that Karkat was unhappy, an alarm that he hadn’t heard over the sound of his own rapping until just as Jake was noticing Karkat beside him.

He watched with horror as someone else kissed Karkat in front of him.

Sugar fizzed in his brain at the sudden intrusion of negativity into his perfect and totally fixed emotions. So, someone had kissed Karkat! Well that just proves he can be kissed, and he probably really wants to kiss Dave. After all, Dave really wants to kiss him. He could make both of them so happy, problem solved!

He flies over to Karkat and Jake, grinning broadly. 

DAVE: what is UP bros   
DAVE: nice lip action can i get in on that!

Dave is just as unprepared for Jake answering the call to action as Karkat was. He doesn’t have the advantage of sobriety and moves his lips with Jake’s, letting him part them and finding that yeah, okay, tongues touching, that’s weird. It’s a good kind of weird though, and he happily investigates these possibilities more. 

It’s only when he feels Karkat’s leg move next to his that he remembers that he didn’t really want to kiss Jake. He opens his eyes and finds that Karkat is trying to remove himself from between Dave and Jake, then stops kissing Jake to protest this. 

DAVE: wait karkat no where are you going!   
KARKAT: I THOUGHT I’D GO SIT WITH *YOUR* BROTHER AND *HIS* BOYFRIEND, WHO HAPPEN TO BE THE SAME PERSON.   
DAVE: i want to kiss you though!   
KARKAT: DAVE, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.

Jake slinks away, quietly avoiding the conflict. Instead of going to Dirk, who is still sitting on his own, he decides to strike up conversation with Jade and Roxy. _They_ have no reason to be cross with him. (Until he taps on Jade’s shoulder, interrupting her from creating a J on Roxy’s chest out of hickeys, shirt collar pulled down to accommodate this.)

JAKE: Hi guys!   
JADE: hi jake!   
JADE: did you want to kiss roxy too?   
JAKE: Do i ever!!

As Jake’s kiss counter earns an extra tick, Dave attempts to argue with Karkat through a haze of sugar-spun agreeability. 

DAVE: but dude i LOVE you   
DAVE: of course i want to kiss you!   
KARKAT: YOU’RE HIGH.   
KARKAT: OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT THIS IS, YOU’RE THAT.   
KARKAT: AND I’M NOT LETTING YOU FLUSH OUR PERFECT BROSHIP DOWN THE LOAD GAPER BECAUSE YOU GOT SHOVED INTO RECREATIONAL DRUGS BY A WELL-MEANING SKULL-GIRL.    
DAVE: why wont you just   
DAVE: let me   
DAVE: let me get in there   
KARKAT: DAVE. WHAT. NO.

Karkat has to physically fend Dave off with both his hands. His work is made harder by the fact that Dave can fly and has decided that means he can come at him from different angles, regardless of the suitability of the position for kissing. Eventually Karkat just hides his face in his arms.

DAVE: aw man i didnt mean to make you sad   
DAVE: i thought kissing me would make you happy bro   
KARKAT: CAN YOU JUST GO CHECK ON JOHN OR SOMETHING?   
DAVE: if you want me to dude i would do anything for you!   
KARKAT: DAVE...

Karkat lifts his head and stops Dave from leaving. He knows he can’t have any kind of serious talk with him in this state, but he’s feeling vulnerable and Dave ...

They’re interrupted by Dirk finally losing his shit.

DIRK: Really, Jake?   
DIRK: Do you want to maybe make out with the brides as well while you’re at it? Might as well tick off everyone on the list.   
DIRK: Hell, Mr Crocker is over there, I’m sure he’ll stop ironing mini hamburger buns if you let him know you’re down to fuck anyone who glances at you.   
JAKE: Dirk!   
DIRK: No, you know what? This isn’t a good enough excuse.    
DIRK: Cut it the fuck out, you’re HURTING me.   
DIRK: You’re not supposed to do this, you’re not supposed to make me feel like I’m going to lose you any fucking second.   
DIRK: And this isn’t me talking to you about lockin’ lips with any asshole who will take you, though thanks for making me see that.   
DIRK: I’m walking through life as if I’m on a pressure plate, and if I don’t distribute my weight exactly it’s going to explode.    
DIRK: I’m TERRIFIED you’re going to leave me, and I can’t let you see that, because, guess what! That’s basically a guaranteed way to make you leave me.   
DIRK: Do you even love me?   
DIRK: CAN you even love me?

Dirk grips his bright orange hair. Jake doesn’t seem capable of answering. 

DIRK: I have a boyfriend who, a year and a half into our relationship, is probably freaking out about me using the label “boyfriend”,   
DIRK: a bro who flinches if I move to scratch my head too fast near him,   
DIRK: a daughter who has DISAPPEARED into her wife, and congratulations by the way, I’m super psyched that I’m going to see you even less now,   
DIRK: and two best friends whose lives are just WAY too busy to deal with my bullshit, or even just fucking visit once in a while.   
DIRK: You know what, it’s been fun.   
DIRK: Fuck who you want, Jake. I’m going home.

Dirk flies away. Jake drops Roxy’s hands and flies after him. Karkat lets his head fall back into his arms. This wedding needs to be fucking over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As may be obvious, I don’t buy that Dirk is actually unaffected. I think that in canon-trickster his inhibitions were considerably lowered to make him lose his shit at Jake and then go along with the rest of the gang after that drama unfolded. I also don’t think that Dirk would remotely allow himself the excuse of intoxication.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone deals with the aftermath of Rose and Kanaya's wedding and their idiocy while they were trickster. They don't deal _well._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another long one and another sad one. I'd like so much to say this is as bad as it gets, but unfortunately this is what prompts their future misery.

### DIRK AND JAKE

Jake lands at their house only seconds after Dirk does. Dirk turns, and even through the ridiculous trickster transformation Jake can feel the power of his glare.

JAKE: Dirk i...  
DIRK: Don’t.  
DIRK: Don’t try and FIX this while you’re like that.  
DIRK: Leave me alone, Jake.

Dirk flashsteps into the house, not giving Jake the remotest possibility of keeping up. His bedroom door slams and Jake flinches. The trickster magic wears off, unable to sustain irreverence at the calamity of the situation, and Jake collapses to his knees on the porch, weak from the sudden drop. 

He decides that he doesn’t deserve to sleep inside anyway, and falls the rest of the way to the ground on purpose.

### ROSE AND KANAYA

After Dirk fled their wedding, Kanaya convinced Rose that their supervision wasn’t doing anything to help or hinder the tricksters, so they left for their honeymoon early.

They have two weeks planned in what used to be Greece, specifically the Athenian Acropolis where the inhabitants of Earth C have partially unearthed the remnants of architecture that was erected around 5 BCE. In Jane and Jake’s time, it was carefully preserved. In Dirk and Roxy’s, it was well below sea level. Now, Grecian architecture is proving its incredible staying power. The history is for Rose. The sun is for Kanaya. They were both really looking forward to it.

The first day, they pretend there’s nothing wrong. They visit the ruins for a few hours then order mocktails at the pool attached to their hotel. Rose pulls her fringe back in her headband as a precaution against being recognised (it makes a surprising difference to the look of her face), but they’re in a completely different part of the world than usual and they’ve been out of the public sphere for long enough that there’s little risk of them being recognised.

But their wedding was awful.

The ceremony was beautiful, and honestly the conversation she had with Dave as he draped himself all over her wife was amazing, but the rest ...

The awful interpersonal drama that will result from Dave and Karkat’s, and Roxy and Jade’s interactions.

Jake kissing everyone who would have him, well aware that that was everyone. Dirk feeling abandoned and letting them all have it.

Jane coming over to Kanaya and telling her that trolls have horns so humans know they’re dangerous, and maybe she should put marshmallows on them to be less threatening. Kanaya confessing afterwards that she genuinely wanted to headbutt her. 

The things John said, telling her he expected someone who was both more fierce and more capable of interacting with people kindly before he met her in person, _”but it’s not that big of a disappointment”._

It’s too much to ignore, and after their first day in which they force a cheeriness neither of them feel, they spend the second, third and fourth days alone in their hotel room. They recover somewhat on the fifth, and a trip to the spa restores them further. On the sixth day, feeling as though they’ve lost half their honeymoon, they go to a library that literally brings tears to Rose’s eyes. She is, in fairness, feeling a bit fragile. 

When Kanaya suggests that they take some time on their own once they get back home, Rose hesitates a moment before agreeing. She feels obliged to help mend things, but the idea _exhausts_ her. 

And she feels cheated. All her friends will remember from her wedding day will be the horrific aftermath. The most special day of her life, and it has caused so much misery. It makes her want to hide away and keep the joy she has in her wife all to herself.

### DAVE

Dave has fucked up.

He wakes up and finds himself tucked into bed, his shoes placed carefully under his bed and his shades folded on the bedside table next to a glass of water. He drinks the whole thing, remembering with agonising clarity how Karkat had persisted in looking after him with thin, anxious lips as Dave kept trying to get up, kept trying to get Karkat into bed with him, kept making things more difficult.

He told Karkat he loved him. About half a million times, at that. Sure, he said it to everyone, but he _really_ said it to Karkat. 

It’s true. He meant it.

Well, okay, he meant the _gist_ of it. He doesn’t actually want Karkat to lay beautiful babies in his man-womb, hilarious as that monologue was. But he does love Karkat. Not in the way he’s dared to say a couple times, “man, I love you,” a casual statement delivered when Karkat has handed him a grilled cheese or delivered an own powerful enough to deserve a million _oh snaps_ or when he wakes up at 6am when Dave’s going to sleep and his whole face is scrunched up worse than a note destined for a trash can three-pointer. No, even though the times he’s said that (and he can remember every one, eight times over years of best broship) have made his heart beat faster at his daring, they weren’t real. This is.

_God,_ it was just _so much._ He has never been more embarrassed and can’t imagine what it would take to top this. And Karkat was so uncomfortable, but Dave just kept going. Dave isn’t like that, he doesn’t push people like that.

(And the worst part is, he’ll never have the guts to hug Karkat like that sober, or confess anything so openly. He knows he’s a coward. He knows he’ll treasure his idiotic behaviour for far too long.)

What does he do? What does he say to Karkat? Sorry, obviously, that’s easy to decide if not quite easy to execute, but what else? Does he try to explain how he feels? How _does_ he feel? Fuck. _Fuck._

### JANE

Jane wakes up to the second hangover of her life. This time without the restorative powers of being killed! She’s not a fan.

She doesn’t know why that accursed lollipop brings all the intoxication and pain, but none of the memory problems of alcohol or other drugs. She could stand to forget a few things. 

Like the way she spoke about Kanaya and Karkat. She would hit herself in the head for that if it wouldn’t be absolutely intolerable. She feels _mortified._ She wants to be a business-woman, and she said such rude things. That is _not_ how connections are made. And she may as well have burnt bridges with Dave and Rose with those moves too. Foolish of her.

The guilt outlasts her hangover, and it turns out it was contributing significantly to the pain and unease in her stomach. She hates it. And she doesn’t know why she should feel so guilty!

The trolls unnerve her, she supposes there’s no keeping that quiet now. Their pallor is _zombie-esque,_ but their eyes are viciously clever, their claws and teeth and horns are always there reminding her that they could gut her in a heartbeat if it took their fancy. They’re just _so_ alien, and one of them literally wiped out humanity and flooded the world! She’s not being unreasonable! So she shouldn’t feel guilty!

Telling herself that doesn’t help. She must know it isn’t true.

And she’s all alone. Her distasteful comments are the least of her concerns. She kissed Jake. _Properly_ kissed him, with tongue and his hand on her butt and ... Dirk right there.

She was supposed to be over Jake. She is. She _is._

It hurts so much, her heart is being broken all over again, and she stupidly, treacherously, is hoping against hope that this is the end of him and Dirk, that she’s in with a shot again. She’s a terrible friend. She’s just as bad as John said she was. 

And she’s all alone. It’s been days and no one has reached out to her apart from her dad, who makes sure she’s eating and then retreats to busy work. He’s embarrassed too, spoke briefly to her about being ungentlemanly and assured her that he was going to distribute apologies once his custom stationery arrived. Jane knows her dad well enough to know that he needs those few days of postage.

And she’s all alone.

### ROXY AND CALLIOPE

While Roxy deals with her hangover, Callie frets. Roxy didn’t come home until very late, still wide eyed with tricksterdom and giggling, right until her head hit her pillow, at which point she reverted back to normal. Well, not _normal,_ she looks and must feel awful.

Callie didn’t mean for any of this to happen! She thought she was giving her friends a gift. She thought they would just have cute outfits and be extra happy, and hopefully deal with the fact that they rarely saw each other as a group anymore. This won’t bring anyone closer together.

When Roxy stumbles from her bedroom, hair frizzed and matted, dark circles under her eyes and with very poor balance, Callie immediately takes her a cup of coffee and a cool washcloth. She dotes on her for a good hour, until she finally is alert enough to have a conversation. Roxy isn’t the sort to avoid that kind of thing, even though Callie almost just wants to pretend that nothing happened.

ROXY: callie we gotsta talk about last nite  
CALLIOPE: yes.  
CALLIOPE: i am so sorry for doing that to yoU all.  
CALLIOPE: i hope yoU can forgive me, bUt i Understand if yoU can’t.  
ROXY: omg no  
ROXY: u obvs didnt kno  
ROXY: i kno u didnt kno u talked about it and i just kept quiet about last time because i didnt want u to look like u look rite now  
ROXY: not gonna lie i didnt love having my brain infected with nonsense  
ROXY: but u didnt kno so u cant beat yrself up over this  
CALLIOPE: my actions caUsed so mUch hUrt.  
ROXY: sometimes that happens  
ROXY: iv caused plenty hurt and if i obsessed over that then i couldnt try and b a better friend coz id be 2 busy not ever gettin out of bed  
ROXY: srs pls chill  
CALLIOPE: okay, i’ll try.

Roxy massages her temple. The fact that she has had pain killers, coffee and got fast food delivered makes this one of the more endurable wicked hangovers she’s had. It’s still pretty bad though.

ROXY: ugh i was such an idiot  
ROXY: i gotta txt jade  
CALLIOPE: of coUrse.   
CALLIOPE: let me get yoUr phone for yoU.  
ROXY: thx bb

Callie gives Roxy her phone and then goes to the other side of the room to organise her (very organised) art supplies to give her some privacy. Her heart hurts.

ROXY: hey jade  
ROXY: hope yr feelin well

Roxy winces at herself. She’s never had to send this kind of message before and she’s not super fond of it.

ROXY: i dunno if yr keepin yr phone on u   
ROXY: i kno screens arent our friends rn  
ROXY: look i just wanted to say that im rly sry 4 leading u on  
ROXY: obvs none of us were ourselves last nite  
ROXY: and i totes love u as a friend  
ROXY: i just dont want u 2 get the wrong idea  
ROXY: nyway lmk if u want 2 talk this out

Roxy groans and lets her phone fall out of her hand and onto the couch. 

ROXY: y was i such a dummy  
CALLIOPE: yoU weren’t a dUmmy.  
ROXY: i was  
ROXY: callie bb come sit w me

Callie rejoins Roxy warily on the couch. She doesn’t know what specifically Roxy is regretting. Maybe she did something else after Callie left. That thought has been haunting her, though she knows Karkat had only good intentions when he sent her away. She didn’t want to bring anyone down with her moping, anyway.

ROXY: i kno were keepin this undefined and i actually like that  
ROXY: definitions give me the heebies and i dunno if theres words for what we are 2 each other anyways  
ROXY: but wat i did with jade was straight up not cool  
ROXY: ugh i totes kissed jake 2  
ROXY: i should txt him and dirk but omg nooo  
ROXY: y do u have to *remember* trickster bullshit  
ROXY: the point is im sry  
CALLIOPE: yoU don’t have anything to be sorry aboUt.  
CALLIOPE: the sUcker Unlocks yoUr restraint and allows yoU to pUrsUe what yoU want.  
CALLIOPE: i don’t blame yoU for wanting someone who can give yoU more than i can.  
ROXY: i dont tho  
ROXY: look im not gonna pretend that i hated locking lips with jade i wasnt suffering there  
ROXY: but i dont want that i dont want her  
ROXY: i want u

Callie covers her face with both hands and makes a little distressed noise.

CALLIOPE: oh, i’m so selfish!  
ROXY: wat no yr not  
CALLIOPE: i am!

She peeks out of her hands and looks at Roxy with plaintive eyes.

CALLIOPE: i want to be yoUr favoUrite person!  
CALLIOPE: i know i cannot provide yoU with everything yoU reqUire, bUt i want to be yoUr everything anyway!  
CALLIOPE: i simply cannot stand in yoUr way, roxy. yoU mUst follow yoUr heart.  
ROXY: callie u own my heart

If anything, this makes Callie look more upset. Roxy takes her hands and strokes her thumbs over the scaly skin.

ROXY: bb i dont need assistance gettin my rocks off  
ROXY: im a capable gal and can take care of that all on my own  
ROXY: i dont *like* what i was like as a trickster  
ROXY: mega girly and mega sexy and not thinkin abt wat my callie might be feeling  
ROXY: or wat anyone might be feeling  
ROXY: that is so not me and i kno u think that thing just lets us do wat we want deep down but its not as simple as that  
ROXY: i remember wat happened and jade came up to me  
ROXY: she said wanna make out and i was like HELL YES  
ROXY: bein trickster is like bein in a shitty amateur improv class  
ROXY: not that i think theres any other kind  
ROXY: (lmaooo at dirk tryna get salamanders to improv)  
ROXY: but wat i mean is that someone puts shit on the table and u say “yes and”  
ROXY: theres no “hmm i wonder if i really want this” or watevs  
ROXY: do u see wat im sayin?

Callie nods and takes a hand back to brush away tears. She doesn’t know if she can accept that, but talking about it more isn’t going to help. She tucks a frizz of Roxy’s usually tidy ‘do into the rest of her hair.

CALLIOPE: how aboUt i rUn yoU a bath.  
CALLIOPE: yoU can worry aboUt talking to people later.  
ROXY: yea  
ROXY: im sure they have their own shit goin on

Callie rises, presses a kiss to Roxy’s wild hair, and leaves for the bathroom. Even if Roxy decides that she actually would like something more romantic, she knows she can deal with that. The important thing is helping Roxy feel better right now.

### KARKAT

Karkat didn’t really sleep. He’d like to say it was because he was worried that Dave was going to choke on his vomit or something, but that’d be a convenient lie. He just can’t get his brain to shut up, not even 14 hours after he put Dave to bed.

Dave told him he loved him. How the everloving _fuck_ does he deal with that? For one, Dave was saying that to everyone (though no one as much as Karkat) and for another, he was not at all in his right mind. So, you know. It wasn’t _real._

It hurts. It hurts so much, and Dave never hurts him, not ever. Dave is _Dave,_ he’s predictable, Karkat knows him so well and he would never do this. Except he did, and Karkat feels _betrayed._

He thought he was fine just being Dave’s bro. He loves Dave of course, has for years now. But he thought what they have was better than one quadrant that couldn’t capture how they feel about one another, where Dave would feel awful because of all the hangups he still has about his human sexuality and where Karkat would feel awful because of all the hangups _he_ still has about his inability to do quadrants right. 

He wanted so badly to just go with it, but he’s glad that he had the restraint not to. He is, really. Because as much as now he’s kicking himself for blowing his one chance to kiss Dave, that would have ruined everything when Dave woke up and wondered why the fuck Karkat would do that sober. 

Karkat tells himself firmly that Dave was just doing what Jake, Jane, Roxy and Jade were doing, trying to push himself onto what he thought was the most willing mouth. His stupid heart wants it to be more, but it wasn’t. 

Or maybe it was worse. Maybe he was being like John, saying whatever he could that he knew would hurt Karkat, and he’s known all along and was rubbing it in his face.

### JADE

Jade wakes up still in the marquee, face down in the dirt. She slowly floats upwards until she can get herself into a sitting position, legs held in her arms. She very determinedly does not throw up. It takes a lot of concentration, and sweat breaks out on her forehead as she gathers control over her roiling stomach. 

A chicken walks right by her, which puzzles her until she remembers that she helped obtain the various livestock they set loose on the wedding. She goes to pat the chicken’s head, but it ducks away and keeps pecking at the grass around her. Not afraid of her, clearly, but not open to friendship either. 

She looks around, but everyone else seems to have gone home. She should probably leave the park before some tabloid catches her in the middle of this disaster zone. She checks her phone to find the time and groans at its artificial light, somehow worse than the muted sunlight filtering through the canvas of the marquee.

ROXY: hey jade  
ROXY: hope yr feelin well  
ROXY: i dunno if yr keepin yr phone on u   
ROXY: i kno screens arent our friends rn  
ROXY: look i just wanted to say that im rly sry 4 leading u on  
ROXY: obvs none of us were ourselves last nite  
ROXY: and i totes love u as a friend  
ROXY: i just dont want u 2 get the wrong idea  
ROXY: nyway lmk if u want 2 talk this out

Oh. 

Well, yeah, that makes sense. Of course. She should probably give Roxy and Callie some space for a while. Oh _no,_ she is a total homewrecker, isn’t she? A big, slutty idiot who causes problems for other people and can’t even handle it when they tell her they didn’t want her to get her big, slutty lips all over them. 

A vicious growl builds in her chest as she feels tears sting her eyes. No! She doesn’t deserve to cry! She bares her teeth until she gets her sadness under control and then takes calculated breaths to stop her anger from getting the better of her. It’s not a time to be emotional, she has to be _practical_ about this.

She can’t go to Jake’s, much as she spends a lot of time in his huge house, not after the obvious distress he and Dirk left in. That rules out Dave and Karkat’s too, because now that she’s sober, her memories of the way they left are coloured awkward instead of cute. She doesn’t want to see John right now. Not after what he said. Doesn’t he know she wishes she was the Jade he got to know on that awful journey too?

Rose and Kanaya’s was really always the only option. They’re the ones she always goes to when she’s feeling a bit vulnerable. Kanaya is so comforting, Rose has excellent advice, and they have a really wide selection of tea. 

Jade picks herself up, brushes off her skirt (ineffectively), and nods to herself. She immediately regrets moving her head so quickly and whines in discomfort, pressing her hand to her temple as if she can push the pain away. She huffs with exasperation and walks out of the marquee. She might as well have a whole tree stuck in her hair and she’s covered in dirt, but she walks with her head held high until she can take flight to Rose and Kanaya’s.

They’re not home.

Jade’s ears fold flat back against her head in anxiety. She genuinely considers using one of the stones in their yard to break in, then remembers she can teleport and considers doing that instead. But it’s not her home, and much as she does genuinely feel welcome there whenever she visits, she can’t impose like this. 

She swallows against tears again as she suddenly realises something. She’s homeless.

She had thought that she was free, that she had many homes and a big family and the resources to go to a hotel whenever she wanted alone time, but now all her options are closed to her. She’s more recognisable than anyone else (no one else on this planet has dog ears and a tail), and she can’t go into a hotel looking like this, being a creator.

She covers her face in her hands and sprints into the forest that presses close to Rose and Kanaya’s house, not looking where she’s going. She’d be a poor witch of space if she needed her _eyes_ to know if she was going to hit something. 

She runs until she senses a cave, one that has been overlooked as shelter to animals because of the large mouth and several leaks in the roof. She fixes the leaks easily, and doesn’t mind the exposure; she can take any predators if they come sniffing. She decaptchalogues her camping gear (her grandpa raised a prepared girl!) and starts to build a fire.

Having a purpose helps enormously, but eventually there’s nothing more to do. She stares into the fire and tries to go over her memories impartially, scouring them for useful data. Instead she relives John’s cruel words, bittersweet kisses with Roxy, the sight of her friends behaving so badly to each other. She doubts there will be anyone at all at next Sunday’s dinner.

And the end result of the fractures deepening is that it’s more clear than ever that Jade is alone. _Again._ How many times does she have to be alone? It’s not fair! It’s not fair.

She cries, for the first time in a very, very long while, and hates herself for her weakness.

### JAKE

Jake wakes up on the porch and groans. Then he remembers what he did and why he’s outside and stops. He feels like he’s intruding on Dirk’s space even being on the porch. He sits up and rubs his eyes, which somehow hurts like he’s scratching them brutally with fingernails and doesn’t make it easier to see at all. He holds his head and tries to think. He knows that isn’t his strong point even at the best of times.

Like Jade, Jake has a camping kit on him at all times. He struggles to his feet, knees as weak as a newborn foal, and staggers into the jungle. As his steps grow less laboured, he takes a carton of eggs from his sylladex and cracks them one by one into his mouth. Hangover recovery for _men._ It’s pretty disgusting.

He sits on a fallen tree when he’s deep enough into the jungle that he can no longer see the house or hear sounds of civilisation. He sighs dejectedly and considers all the bits and bobs he has stashed in his sylladex. He’s a prepared man. A man prepared to run away at the slightest provocation, that is.

That’s what Strider said to him last night, what _Dirk_ said (this is no time for pet names), that he felt that Jake always has one foot out the door. It’s true that being in a committed relationship has been hard for Jake, and Dirk’s a perceptive enough fella to see that. That doesn’t mean that Jake doesn’t care for Dirk, or that he’s liable to flee at the slightest provocation. It just means that Jake’s a balled up piker who is terrible at socialisation.

Jake doesn’t know how Dirk and Roxy got through their whole lives completely alone and still turned out so well. He had his gran for at least a little bit and she was such a classy lady, he should have learned something from her. Jade is too, she always says the right thing, and she was alone just as long as Jake. 

In the movies, there’s no awkward silences or ums and the actors always say something that’s smart or funny, or maybe it isn’t but it _is_ in the script for a reason. Jake always feels like his script got lost in the mail.

None of this, of course, is any good excuse for the way Jake acted last night. Even if Dirk was wrong and Jake had no doubts whatsoever about their relationship, he sure earned a telling off last night. He cheated on Dirk right in front of him.

And look, Jake can still feel the sour effervescence of the trickster magic leaving him, he feels like he’s sweating the damn stuff out, leaving his pores toxic and weighed down. He knows he wasn’t in his right mind. But he’s a man, and men take responsibility for the actions they take, even when they could hide behind the sauce. He behaved poorly.

Not just towards Dirk! Oh no, the people he kissed will all be worse off for his loose morals and rowdy lips. Roxy, poor Roxy, who does not deserve to be dragged into his drama again or to have her heart played with like that. Well, if Jake is being honest, Roxy can probably handle it easy. She’s a champ like that. Never stays knocked down.

Dave and Karkat, though, they are less resilient. With all the stories Dirk had told him of his bro, Jake had expected someone with a bit more ... well, the point is, Dave is as brittle as a twig and Karkat’s not much better. And Jake went and stomped all over their carefully defined broship like an elephant on rum. Jake resolves to send them something. A fruit basket? He’ll ask Jade if there’s an appropriate gift for this situation. A fruit basket might not cut it for Jane.

They never talked about it after last time. So much happened in one day, and while Jake and Dirk needed to talk in order to make up, going through that again with the girls felt so _hard._ He hugged them both after the battles, and they seemed to reach an unspoken agreement that they’d just move on. Will he be so lucky again?

He realises that he’s hoping that his friends will just let him get away with this without him having to do anything, that his best case scenario is everyone pretending that last night never happened, and it’s all because he doesn’t want to deal with uncomfortable conversations. That realisation feels haunting, selfish. He can’t be like that.

Maybe he can get away with fruit baskets for everyone else, but he needs to talk to Dirk. He just doesn’t know how. He forces himself to set up camp so that he can recover without being under Dirk’s feet, and he truly believes that’s why he’s staying away.

### JOHN

John lies in bed and waits his hangover out. He stares at his walls, at the couple of posters Rose framed for him in an attempt to make the room more “adult”, and at the shadows that slink across the room on the heels of time. 

He has this thing where he can turn his thoughts off. He used to do it sometimes before the game, just zone _way_ out, but he learned how to do it on purpose on the ship. He can lie in bed with his eyes open for whole days ...

And he needs that, because he doesn’t want his thoughts on. Whenever his thoughts threaten to turn on, he remembers the awful things he did and said.

He pranked people, but not the fun way where everyone laughs, the mean way where he laughed from the victory of humiliating someone over and over. He didn’t let anyone touch him, he just floated above them and maxed out his gambit with no regard for any of their feelings.

And he told most of his friends that they weren’t real. 

He hit Dave and Rose pretty hard with that one, throwing the years of friendship he developed with versions of them from a different timeline in their faces, even though he _knows_ they both have the same memories in this one. That isn’t one of the things his retcons changed. But he still told them that they feel like freaky clones to him sometimes and how sometimes he thinks about that so much that it makes him feel physically sick. And the worst part is, he was telling the truth. And he thinks they must know that.

He went a step further with Jade, blaming _her_ for the fact that she doesn’t remember what he got up to with a Jade from the other timeline. That was _his_ choice, and _she_ was the one to suffer so much for it. But he does still hate her for looking blankly at him when he tries to make an inside joke that she’s now on the outside of. It’s so unfair and petty of him, but he hates her _so much_ sometimes.

He guesses that that’s who he really is, an asshole who hurts his friends and plays dumb or has excuses for it. It’s better that they saw it, so now they know how awful he is and they’ll know to stay away, so he can’t hurt them anymore. They can’t possibly love him after this.

The stupid thing is, he might have said all that about them not being his real friends, but they outnumber him. _He’s_ the one who’s not _their_ John. And clearly he’s the discount one, the bad one, the one who Jane can’t even heal. She thinks he has chronic fatigue, but what’s the point in going to see a doctor when a maid of life can’t do anything? He’s okay most of the time anyway.

Well, not okay. He can walk around and do a real good person impression most of the time. He’s just a fakey fake fake, though. If his windy powers were good for anything, he’d dissolve and never reform, just be a part of the world in tiny little molecules of John.

### DIRK

Dirk realises he really did flounce off in a huff when he wakes up in the morning. Again. He still doesn’t think being trickster really affects him, but he has to admit he struggles to keep his cool when he’s on it. Or maybe he just struggles to keep his cool when his friends are being assholes.

Who is he kidding, he couldn’t care less about Jane being rude or Roxy getting her ill-advised mack on. Jake’s the one who hurt him. Fucking _again._

He knows he’s being uncharitable, but hell, he deserves to be uncharitable, just this once. He’s been bending over backwards trying to be a good boyfriend, he’s been putting all his energy into being relaxed and normal and he _knows_ that’s an oxymoron but that’s who he is. He’s the guy who goes overboard, who finds a project and makes it his life, and his life on Earth C is his latest project. His life with Jake.

He knows Jake, sometimes thinks he knows Jake better _than_ Jake, and he knows how easy it would be to lose him. Jake built a persona in two universes around what he thinks he wants and anything that conflicts with that is out. 

Jake thinks he wants freedom, adventure, _things_ and to live like a character from one of his movies. What he actually wants is to be admired. It all comes back to that, the way he can’t tolerate feeling pinned down, his need to feel empowered, the way he absolutely crumples when confronted. 

It’s been interesting to talk to Jade about her grandpa. He did all those things Jake seems to want; he looted historical sites with no regard for archaeological practice, he shot first and asked questions never and had more affairs than James Bond. He told big stories, taught Jade advanced science and never let his smile falter. And he played tea party with blue dolls because he was more comfortable with people who physically couldn’t be disappointed in him.

How the _fuck_ do you be in a relationship with a guy whose idea of romance starts and ends with a Hollywood kiss? Dirk has applied himself thoroughly to this question, and is constantly toeing the line between providing excitement and leaving him be, secretly graphing the amount of time he can risk being affectionate to his motherfucking boyfriend without turning him off. And this is how he’s repaid.

_Yeah, Jake,_ Dirk thinks. _Jane, Karkat, Dave and Roxy sure admired the **shit** out of you, kissing them was the obvious way to go. Glad to see you’ve come to terms with being seen as a sex object._

Sometimes Dirk just wants to give up. Pack his shit and live as a fucking monk or something, if they have monks here. Maybe he could invent monks. Monks with swords and rap battles. 

Except he can’t, because he fucking loves Jake.

Dirk realises that he’s being unfair, knew it from the start. Scroll up, he totally knew the whole time. He’s judging a guy for getting high on a drug that specifically makes you “solve all your personal problems”. Jake feels awful about the space he needs. He fixed it. It’s not his fault. 

Doesn’t make it hurt less. Doesn’t make Dirk not an asshole for judging him, either. And not only is he judging Jake now, in the privacy of his room and his thoughts, but he attacked Jake when he was so vulnerable and went for every one of the issues he’s been stupidly letting simmer without fucking _talking_ about it, just like he did last time.

He needs to fix this. He needs to get out of bed, find Jake, and fix this. Dirk lies completely motionless and silent as he internally throws everything he has at himself, ordering himself to move. Get out of bed, Dirk. Get out of bed you _useless shit._ You will lose everything if you don’t, and you will deserve it. _Get out of bed._

He can’t.

### DAVE AND KARKAT

Three days after the wedding, Dave and Karkat catch each other in the kitchen. They stare at each other in wide-eyed alarm for several seconds before they both start talking at the same time.

DAVE: i am so fucking sorry man  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT THIS TO GET BETWEEN US.  
DAVE: oh my god no i couldnt stand that  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE, WE’RE FINE, RIGHT?  
DAVE: were so fine

They stare at each other again. After a couple of uncomfortable seconds, they both move towards each other and Dave’s arms wrap around Karkat’s middle, Karkat’s around his shoulders. They stay like that, their hug saying what their words couldn’t. It’s not a romantic hug, it’s two people who couldn’t stand to be separated who both thought they might be.

It doesn’t end for a long time.

When it does, they both know that that was their chance to be brave, and they didn’t take it. Neither of them let a hand linger or fingers trace. They look at each other with relief that everything is back to normal, or at least that they’re both going to try and get there.

They won’t jeopardize their relationship like that again.

### DIRK AND JAKE

By the time Jake returns to the house, Dirk has resigned himself to the fact that he drove Jake away. He’s wearing underwear he hasn’t changed in two days, bed hair and his shades, attempting to make sushi for breakfast. Jake hesitates at the door of the kitchen, watching Dirk realign the seaweed sheets as the rice cooks.

JAKE: Hey.

Dirk jumps and turns, his sword miraculously staying in his specibus. He tries to affect a casual disposition, which is difficult given his circumstances. His hand goes to his hip as if he expects to find a pocket there, and then settles awkwardly on his bare skin instead.

DIRK: Sup?

Jake continues to linger on the threshold, but then gathers all his nerve and walks into the room. He falls short of hugging Dirk like he wanted, his arms raising just enough to indicate his intention before falling flaccidly back by his sides. Jake stares at Dirk, all of his apologies stuck somewhere around his heart and causing some kind of painful torsion there.

Dirk finds himself similarly speechless, but not for nearly as long as Jake. He’s rarely entirely lost for words.

DIRK: Listen, Jake, I’m sorry.

Jake’s mouth falls open in surprise. _He’s_ supposed to be the sorry one. Dirk’s rice starts to bubble over and he swears before going to deal with that. He takes the pot off the burner, and after a moment of indecision, strains it free of water, leaving it to sit in the sink.

JAKE: I dont understand.  
DIRK: I’m making sushi.  
DIRK: It needs cold rice anyway, it’ll be fine there for a bit.   
JAKE: No i mean...  
JAKE: Im the sorry one, i fucked up!  
DIRK: I’m not going to pretend I’m thrilled with what happened, but it didn’t call for me to completely lose my shit like that.   
DIRK: I thought we learned something about communication last time, and how shouting at you while wearing a soda can on my head ain’t that.  
DIRK: You were high, you were just being a suggestible idiot, and I don’t have that excuse.  
DIRK: I had an embarrassing but completely sober temper tantrum.  
DIRK: I wish I could take it back, but... yeah, sorry.  
JAKE: No, i cant accept this!  
JAKE: I mean obviously i accept your apology but you dont need to apologise in the first place!  
JAKE: It was me dirk all me.

Jake grips Dirk on the upper arms and looks at him earnestly, needing him to understand. Dirk hates the way it’s such a comfort to feel Jake holding him so firmly. It makes him feel like Jake _needs_ him to stay where he is.

JAKE: I didnt want to do it.  
JAKE: I didnt want to kiss anyone i promise i didnt want that.

Jake’s voice starts to crack and Dirk lifts his hand to rub Jake’s arm comfortingly, about the only thing he can do while still restrained. The tears in his eyes only serve to make the green more vibrant.

JAKE: I dont know why i did it!  
JAKE: I thought they wanted it or that i needed to i guess.  
JAKE: Dirk i think im a bad person.  
DIRK: Hey, no...  
JAKE: No i am.  
JAKE: Im bad and shallow and i think  
JAKE: I think i was asking for it. I was *initiating* it.  
DIRK: Jake...  
JAKE: You know im useless at everything social.  
JAKE: I never know what im doing and im too loud and i cant handle crowds and i say stupid things and thats not even taking the way i say them into account im just plain stupid.  
JAKE: I hate the way i talk. It used to be fun and i dont know when i stopped being able to be normal and it comes out so much worse when im feeling self conscious because i dont know who i am if its not the cornball idiot.  
JAKE: What if thats all there is to me?  
JAKE: I dont know.  
JAKE: Im pretty though.  
JAKE: I think you and janey and roxy you all got used to my nonsense and i hope most of the time it isnt too much of a bother to be stuck with.  
JAKE: But i guess i feel like youre doing me a favour and the least i can do is  
JAKE: I dont know. I dont know how im supposed to repay you.  
DIRK: Jake, stop, you’re getting upset.

Jake is getting upset. He’s determined to speak despite his crying, and that’s becoming more of an obstacle. He releases Dirk so that he can wipe his eyes with the back of both hands and sniff, his movements graceless and strangely childish, like he never learned how to cry with an audience.

DIRK: It’s okay.  
JAKE: No im not finished.  
JAKE: I know im yours and i know everyone else knows that too but im still nice to look at and i think that probably makes up for who i am a little bit.  
JAKE: But its not enough and nothing really is but i cant be alone again dirk i cant do it.  
JAKE: I know i fucked up i know i ruined everything but i cant  
JAKE: Please   
JAKE: Dont leave me.  
JAKE: Im so sorry.  
JAKE: Im sorry i cant tell you i love you even now.  
JAKE: I think im broken dirk i dont know if i can love anyone.  
JAKE: Im so selfish but i need you to stay with me anyway.

Jake is gasping through tears by the end of his desperate speech. Dirk only lets him finish because he’s never seen Jake like this and can’t interrupt him when he seems to need to get it all out. The moment he finds a break in Jake’s run-on sentences, he takes Jake’s face in his hands and tries to brush away tears with his thumbs. It doesn’t work, he’s crying too hard. Dirk pulls him into a hug instead and Jake hides his face in Dirk’s neck.

DIRK: Jake, it’s _okay._  
DIRK: I’d chase you to the airport, you know.  
DIRK: I’d build a house for you and send you a letter every day for a whole year.   
DIRK: I’d kiss you in the rain a million times, I’d fly you around the world following the clouds just so I could show you how much I care.  
DIRK: I’d freeze in the arctic so you could live to make it to the lifeboats.  
DIRK: I’d climb your tower or slay your dragon or, fuckin’, I don’t even know, Jake, there’s no limits to what I’d do for you and I’m running out of movie references.  
DIRK: I’d watch every cheesy movie on your harddrive with you and I’d learn the godawful speeches from them just to have something to make you smile.  
DIRK: I’m here, Jake. And I don’t need you to say it back, but I do love you. I’m not going anywhere, not while you still want me.

Jake tightens his grip around Dirk’s waist and Dirk squeezes him back.

DIRK: Where have you been, English?  
JAKE: The jungle.  
DIRK: You’re a goddamn disaster.   
DIRK: I love you.  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The characters have had some time to breathe. Now Dave, Jade and Karkat are spending the day unearthing a shitty liberty and Dirk and Jake have their own entertainment sorted.

It feels good to get outside for a change. Over the last year and a half, Dave has sporadically devoted himself to unearthing the shitty liberties his alternate universe self buried all over the planet. He does so in spurts of enthusiasm that generally last a week and a half, followed by months of doing absolutely nothing. 

The second day is always the best, when he’s pleasantly sore from the first day’s work but not, like, _aching_ and he can see enough progress that it becomes hard to step away even to drink water. 

Today is extra good though, because both Karkat and Jade are joining him on his admittedly purposeless quest. Karkat’s body is warm against his back as he flies over the wooded area of Consort Kingdom, a place he’s chosen to look based on “the vibes”. Dave’s instincts for finding shitty liberties are uncanny, which makes sense given that he is uniquely qualified to speak for the kind of vibes a Dave Strider might look for when building one. 

He puts Karkat down and reports it to John when he finds the next liberty, something that makes for a much better streak keeper than another picture of Karkat’s feet through four filters or the roof of his bedroom. John’s his BFF, in real life as well as the app, and the fact that the app is there to enforce daily contact (the fact that they lost their streak six months ago _really_ enforces it) is important to Dave. When Jade or Rose suggest that John is kind of withdrawn, Dave has the evidence of Snapchat to back him up that he’s not withdrawn when it’s his BFF.

He smiles when he sees Karkat already starting to dig in the background of his snap, then controls his face as Jade lands too. He gives her a minimalist nod and captchalogues his phone in favour of his shovel.

DAVE: so where are we starting with this bad boy  
KARKAT: DO YOU SEE HOW I’VE JUST PLANTED MY GODDAMN PICKAXE IN THE GROUND HERE?  
KARKAT: THIS IS THE CONVICTION OF A TROLL WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE IS DOING.  
DAVE: yeah i figured  
DAVE: i actually got this  
DAVE: ive studied the ancient arts of archeology and the first thing to do is this

Dave rolls his grip on his shovel, flexing his fingers around the handle as he raises it up so that the blade is up and behind his shoulder. He flashsteps towards the liberty and swings the shovel in a clean arc, just like they do in the sports. He makes contact with her beautiful nose, which is utterly unaffected by the violence, and causes a cascade of dirt to fall down. Her head in general is cleaner, but there’s more around the base. Dave stands back to admire his work. Karkat’s observations are less admiration based.

KARKAT: THAT’S ONE OF THE DUMBER THINGS I’VE SEEN YOU DO, AND I WANT US TO TAKE A MOMENT TO ACKNOWLEDGE ALL THE DUMB THINGS I HAVE WITNESSED AT YOUR HAND OVER THE YEARS.  
DAVE: these things are like impossible to break  
DAVE: ive tried to take samples but theyre jpeged out the fucking wazoo it just cant be done  
DAVE: you saw me with my first gal i was so professional  
DAVE: pegged out the excavation site with strings in squares  
DAVE: used a little trowel and one of roses makeup brushes  
DAVE: were past that now  
DAVE: ive had my archeological virginity liberated and now its time to fucking pound this lady do you feel me bro  
KARKAT: YOU ARE A DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING.  
DAVE: i know  
KARKAT: WELL AS LONG AS YOU KNOW.  
KARKAT: I TAKE IT I CAN JUST FUCKING STAB THE GROUND WITH THIS CURVED DIGGING INSTRUMENT.  
DAVE: you literally just called it a pickaxe  
DAVE: this is going on the list of times when youve made up troll names even though theyre not official or anything its just to fuck with me  
KARKAT: YOU ARE DELUSIONAL AND ALSO PARANOID.   
KARKAT: COME ON, MAGGOT-BREATH. THIS STATUE ISN’T GOING TO DESECRATE HERSELF.

Both Dave and Karkat wait a bit too long before they start digging. Both of them wait a bit too long to start talking again, and then decide silence is okay. It’s a relief when Jade joins them. 

It’s been six months since Rose and Kanaya’s wedding, but Dave still sometimes feels like things are strained between him and Karkat. It’s nothing too big, it’s just in the way that they have these breaks in conversation where the absence of talking feels awkward, or when they’re both waiting to do something and they’re being polite about letting the other one take the lead. Karkat was supposed to be the person he’s most comfortable with, and he guesses that’s still true. It’s just not quite like it was.

JADE: so theres thousands of these right?  
DAVE: yup  
JADE: and how long does it take you to unearth them?  
DAVE: depends  
DAVE: some of them are just busts and some are more than that  
DAVE: after a certain amount of digging i gotta resign myself to the reality that im making a valley by hand and i could be doing that on minecraft in my house instead where the dirt is fake and doesnt get under my nails even when im wearing gloves  
KARKAT: THIS LACK OF SANITY IS WHY I USUALLY STAY AT HOME.  
DAVE: you are welcome to walk back asshole  
KARKAT: I ALREADY TOLD YOU I WAS FUCKING DOING THIS.   
KARKAT: JUST BECAUSE I KNOW IT’S RIDICULOUS DOESN’T MEAN I CAN’T ENJOY A NICE DAY UNDER THE PATHETIC BALL OF GAS WE CALL A SUN, DIGGING UP A RELIC WITH ZERO PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE TO ME.  
JADE: ooookay?  
JADE: i really thought thered be more to this  
DAVE: is having a fixation i cant explain to anyone not even myself a crime now  
KARKAT: JADE, IT’S USELESS.   
KARKAT: THIS IS NOT MY FIRST DIG AND IT WILL NOT BE MY LAST, BUT I KNOW I WILL NEVER KNOW WHY HE KEEPS DOING THIS OR WHY I DO EITHER.  
KARKAT: IT’S ADDICTIVE.  
KARKAT: LIKE MINECRAFT.  
JADE: am i allowed to use my powers?

Dave and Karkat are stunned at this question. 

JADE: because i kind of thought that was why i was coming  
JADE: but now youre talking about it like its a journey not destination thing and im happy to just dig!!  
JADE: im good at digging!!  
DAVE: with your hands?  
JADE: with a shovel dave! im not actually a dog!!!!!

Jade decaptchalogues a shovel and plants it in the ground. Dave’s mind is attempting to race, but there’s not enough thoughts for it to do that. Instead, it’s like he’s stuttering, but in his brain. Karkat doesn’t even have to look at him to know that he doesn’t want to be looked at, and so takes control of the situation.

KARKAT: TAKE YOUR SNOTSPEWING SHOVEL OUT OF THE MOTHER-DICK-FUCKING GROUND, WENCH.  
KARKAT: THERE ARE *FACTORS* TO CONSIDER HERE.   
KARKAT: ARE YOU PLANNING TO TELEPORT THE STATUE UP AND OUT OF THE GROUND?   
KARKAT: IF SO, WOULD SHE BE SECURE ENOUGH? WOULD THE STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY OF THE DIRT BENEATH HER HOLD UP CONSIDERING ALL THE EMPTY SPACE LEFT OVER?   
KARKAT: WOULD SHE BE PROTRUDING INTO AIR SPACE?   
KARKAT: WOULD PASSING AIR VEHICLES COLLIDE WITH HER FREEDOM TORCH?  
JADE: i can handle the dirt problem karkat im not an idiot  
JADE: and i could just shrink her a bit so that she’s not in the way of anything!  
JADE: or i could clear all the dirt around her away so it would be like she was dug out!  
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE, YOU HAVE THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.  
KARKAT: A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR JADE THE GENIUS, MAY WE ALL AUTO-ASPHYXIATE IN HER PRESENCE AND SPARE OURSELVES THE SHAME INFLICTED ON US JUST FROM EXISTING IN THE SAME SPACE AS SUCH MAJESTY.  
JADE: you are such an ass  
KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT DAVE’S ARTISTIC INTEGRITY.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU RESPECTING DAVE’S ARTISTIC INTEGRITY, JADE?  
JADE: no!  
JADE: i am respecting *this* daves wish for company on his very strange field trip!!!  
JADE: im going to have a look to see if theres any important air space we would be intruding on  
KARKAT: OH NO YOU’RE NOT.

Jade pauses, hovering a couple of feet above the ground. 

JADE: what do you mean?  
KARKAT: *I* AM GOING TO EVALUATE THIS SITUATION.  
JADE: fine! ill take you up  
KARKAT: NO!  
JADE: omg you are the worst!  
JADE: which do you want???  
KARKAT: I CAN MAKE MY OWN WAY UP, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Jade watches with disbelief as Karkat starts to scramble up the liberty’s face. She follows his slow progress, trying to reason with him.

JADE: this is so dumb!!!!  
JADE: karkat just let me pick you up!!  
JADE: you let dave carry you here!!!!!  
KARKAT: *HUFF.* THAT WAS DIFFERENT.  
JADE: how????  
KARKAT: BECAUSE FUCK YOU IS HOW.  
JADE: no really! how??  
KARKAT: BECAUSE DAVE AND I HAVE A BROSHIP SO PURE AND NOBLE THAT IT CAN SURVIVE THE INDIGNITIES OF MY FLIGHTLESSNESS.  
KARKAT: YOU, *HUFF*, DON’T LET SHIT GO.  
KARKAT: YOU STILL BRING UP THE, *HUFF, PANT,* TIME THAT I FREAKED OUT BECAUSE YOU SNUCK A LONG, GREEN GOURD NEXT TO ME.  
JADE: because it was cute!!  
JADE: thats what cats do!  
JADE: you make fun of me for dog things all the time!!!

Dave recovers from processing the confronting fact that Jade could have done all the work he’s done in the last year and a half in about five minutes, because the sight of Karkat scurrying up the liberty’s arm like Winnie the Pooh is just too good not to appreciate. He silently takes his phone out and takes a picture. Dirk just has to see this. Everyone has to see this. 

Elsewhere in Consort Kingdom, Dirk’s phone buzzes. He nods appreciatively at the strange event Dave is witnessing. It so happens that he can compete with that. Once Jake gets organised, anyway.

JAKE: Mind your head there chuckaboo!

Jake helps the giant Lord English battle bot he’s created maneuvre the roller-door of their shed. Dirk nods for Sawtooth and Squarewave to follow him, with a great deal more cool than Jake, who is practically coddling his bot. Makes Dirk almost feel bad for how badly he’s going to wreck its shit. 

They gather their bots on a large clearing, where they have room to go all out. 

DIRK: Gotta show Dave your bot, bro.

Jake does a very cute excited wiggle and equips his infinite-ammo pistols before posing with the mechanical Lord English. Dirk, of course, has his unbreakable katana. Gcatavrosprite happily floats in frame of the selfie too. 

Dirk has to admit to completely forgetting about Gcatavrosprite when he’s not physically in the same location. He throws the sprite his phone, because he might as well. 

DIRK: We’re going to want this recorded.   
JAKE: Bring it on big cheese!

Dirk has looked at this from all angles, and he’s decided that losing is the best thing for Jake. Firstly, Jake is the kind who works fine when he’s got a defined goal, but deflates when he has to self-motivate, so if he achieves success with his first real robotics project since the game he’s going to consider that whole chapter done and will never pick up a screwdriver again. Secondly, in order for Jake to win, Dirk would have to _let him,_ and if Jake picks up on that he’ll feel like Dirk doesn’t respect him, which he does. 

Finally, Jake needs to know that Dirk is always going to win. That Dirk is untouchable, that he will never fail. Because to know that is to know that Dirk, who will forever be there for Jake, is the best protection he could ever ask for. It’ll activate a monkey-brain response that will make Jake know that, despite the fact that Dirk is about to beat him into next week, Jake is safe while Dirk is around. 

(Also, Dirk doesn’t like to lose. But that’s not really a consideration here.)

DIRK: Do you want to say your final farewells to your swole lizard bot?  
JAKE: Do *you* want to say toodle-oo to your feisty childhood companion bots?  
JAKE: Did you even upgrade them for this?  
DIRK: I had a little tinker, but I didn’t want to fuck around with perfection.   
DIRK: The most effort I’ve put into this was convincing Sawtooth to take a break from his tour circuit.  
JAKE: Well youll get your desserts when the englishes take you to the cleaners!  
DIRK: Bring it, bro.

The two of them pose a few more times, both for Snapchat purposes and phone wallpaper purposes. In one of them, Jake dips Dirk playfully into a kiss and they nearly end up both falling over. Dirk has to push Jake’s face away when he kisses at the deep blush Dirk has gained, citing Gcatavrosprite’s presence. Jake laughs because he knows the real reason is that Dirk is easily overwhelmed by affection.

Eventually, they separate and face off. Squarewave is so excited he looks like he’s going to bust a nut (like a bolt, obviously) just from his jolty idle animation that happens whenever he’s jonesing for a battle, which is always. Dirk probably didn’t need to bring him along, but the little guy deserves an outing once in a while. 

GCATAVROSPRITE: oKAY,,, bEGIN!!!

Englishbot moves immediately, a fast and heavy fist aimed directly at Dirk’s head. Dirk flashes towards Jake and lets the fist crash into the dirt behind him. He tosses his katana to his barely weaker right hand and punches Jake in the cheek, hard enough to bruise. Sawtooth attempts to take advantage of Englishbot being off balance, but Englishbot catches his wrist before his punch can connect. Dirk grabs Jake around the waist and flashes out from underneath the bots before Sawtooth can do what he does best: rap.

SAWTOOTH: WALK UP IN THE CLUB LIKE WHADDUP, SCRUB, GONNA DOLE OUT A DRUB WITH THIS DOPE ASS **TUB.**

A bathtub falls out of Sawtooth’s sylladex and onto Englishbot’s head, dinting the metal as it glances off and hits the ground where Jake was recently standing. Oh man, he’s whipping out the household fixtures groove right off the bat. Nice. Dirk elbows Jake hard enough to send him flying several feet away and gives him a wry thumbs down.

SQUAREWAVE: YO YO YO! THIS DUDE IS HARSHING THE VIBES OUT HERE SO BAD I’M ABOUT TO RUST!   
SAWTOOTH: BITCH, I’MMA MAKE YOU BLINK, IF THIS IS YOUR LIFE MAYBE IT’S TIME TO RETHINK, GOTTA BRING THIS SHIT BACK FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING BRINK AND HIT YOU IN THE HEAD WITH THIS DAMN **KITCHEN SINK.**   
SQUAREWAVE: OOOOOOH DAMN!!!   
You didn’t even program him to rap, did you?

Jake answers with a flurry of bullets that Dirk slices in half with his katana instead of dodging. Dirk gives him a judgemental look. He’s not about to get shot when he’s on guard. 

JAKE: Not everyone considers rapping to be an essential part of combat, Strider.   
DIRK: Okay but YOU know better. What did you think my bots would do?   
JAKE: A bit of a fracas! A skirmish! A bit of the ol’ donnybrook!   
DIRK: Cool it on the dirty talk, English.

Jake launches himself at Dirk with a roar of teenage determination. Dirk goes to the ground instead of relieving Jake of any of his limbs. 

SAWTOOTH: YOUR STRATEGY SEEMS TO ALWAYS BE TO WAIT CASUALLY, IN STAGNANCY, FOR MY GALLANTRY TO PUT YOU OUT OF YOUR MISERY. THE FUCKING GRAVITY ACTING ON MY INVENTORY CONSPIRING TO *FUCK YOU* IN TOTAL DEPRAVITY, YOU TREMBLE AT MY MAJESTY, MY SENSUALITY, YOU BEG FOR PARTIALITY, APPEALING TO MY HUMANITY, BUT BITCH, I’M A BOT, THAT’S A MOTHERFUCKING FALLACY. FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY, FOOL, HERE’S MY APOGEE, AND IT TAKES THE FORM OF MOTHERFUCKING **GADGETRY.**

In a move of complete inspiration, Sawtooth apparently managed to captchalogue Squarewave and a jumble of electronic parts that had fallen off Englishbot while Dirk and Jake were otherwise occupied, and now he flings them with full force at Englishbot. Squarewave shouts, _”THAT’S WHAT’S UP!”_ as he collides with Englishbot’s jaw. 

SQUAREWAVE: I’M ON THE PROWL, GONNA MAKE YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL!

A damp towel floats out of Squarewave’s sylladex like a leaf on a still summer’s day. It lands on Englishbot’s head. The robots wait to see if the water content of the towel is going to wreak havoc on the cracks in Englishbot’s skull, but nothing happens. 

DIRK: See this is why people should weaponise their sylladexes, English.

He rolls violently and flashes out of Jake’s reach so he can stand with his sword out again. Jake manages to catch the blade in the cross-section of his two pistols, and they start to duel with ridiculously unmatched weapons. Jake’s occasional shots at Dirk give him the breathing room to avoid being decapitated, which leaves them fairly evenly matched, at least while Dirk’s attention is elsewhere.

DIRK: You know I’m the prince ‘cause I got a royal flush, my best bro was a demon who was made out of plush, and when it comes to rhymes DJ Strider’s gotta crush, but it’s made pretty easy when I whip out **Orange Crush.**

Soda is flung bot-ward and Englishbot starts to spark and jerk unpredictably; it’s a bit more potent than a towel that wasn’t even dripping. Dirk doesn’t have the patience to wait for a single bottle of soda to do its work, and keeps rapping as he ducks under another flurry of bullets. 

DIRK: Aw boo, you seen my crew, we fresh like a cold brew, and I know your ass is through, your beatdown overdue, and we’ll see what you do in the face of **Mountain Dew.**

With Sawtooth now letting Dirk take point and Squarewave’s limited use put out of commission by his cannonball act, Englishbot turns his attention on Dirk. Dirk dodges attacks from both Englishes, his rapping not even remotely breathless.

DIRK: Damn, you MISSED, guess Jake needs the assist, but you’re not gonna exist when I whip out **Sunkist.**

The third bottle of soda (or perhaps the shame from not even competing in the rap-off) is too much for Englishbot. It’s limbs seize and the LEDs in its eyes go dark as it groans to a still. 

JAKE: Well fuck.

Dirk’s attention is no longer divided, so he whaps Jake hard on the wrist with the flat of his sword, sending a pistol flying. He punches Jake in the face again and knocks him on his back, and casually rests his sword on the back of his own neck as he presses Jake’s head further into the ground with his shoe. 

Gcatavrosprite kindly documents this moment. 

JAKE: Ow.  
DIRK: Oh, sorry.

Dirk helps Jake up, putting his sword back in its specibus. Jake’s a little unsteady on his feet, so Dirk offers an arm. Jake takes this as an invitation to cuddle. 

DIRK: Too far?  
JAKE: Pish posh you didn’t even draw blood.  
DIRK: You’re going to bruise.  
JAKE: Yes id say you won that quite handily!  
JAKE: Now you have to take care of me.  
DIRK: I don’t remember that being in the conditions of the fight.

Jake relaxes all his weight onto Dirk, who has to steady him with his other arm as well now. He jostles Jake a little more securely into his arms and subtly turns him towards the sun to make sure his pupils are dilating normally in the light. He _probably_ doesn’t have a concussion.

JAKE: Yes youve got to make me dinner and ice my injured bag of bones.  
JAKE: And also say kind things to me like “oh buttercup you poor thing”.  
DIRK: Oh buttercup, you poor thing.  
JAKE: Maybe with a little less sarcasm.  
DIRK: Okay, let’s get you home.   
DIRK: I’ll let you pick a movie to watch if I don’t have to roleplay as a busty World War II nurse with a heart full of sympathy and a cooch full of healing powers.  
JAKE: Ill let *you* pick the movie if you put on a nurse uniform.  
DIRK: I can’t believe you let me kick your ass just to get me in a short skirt.   
DIRK: Your lust knows no bounds.

Jake laughs woozily, still draped over Dirk’s shoulder like a particularly snuggly bag of potatoes, if the potatoes weighed 150 pounds. Dirk gives his bots a nod of dismissal and bends down to pick up Jake’s legs in a bridal carry.

JAKE: My *hero*.

Dirk snorts and starts to walk back home. Flying might be quicker, but he doesn’t mind having Jake swooning in his arms a little while longer.    



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane has her friends over for a catch up and oh god, Dirk and Jake are dragging everyone into their drama again, aren't they?

Jane hums as she arranges a vase of flowers just so. She’s certainly happy. No doubt about it. She’s expecting her friends soon, of course she’s happy!

DAD: IF I STAYED, I COULD BAKE YOU ANOTHER CAKE.  
JANE: Three is plenty, Dad.  
JANE: There are only five of us after all.  
DAD: I KNEW THAT ONE DAY YOU WOULD OUTGROW YOUR NEED FOR CHAPERONING.  
DAD: I AM SO PROUD OF THE INDEPENDENT YOUNG WOMAN YOU HAVE BECOME.  
JANE: Thank you, Dad.  
JANE: Now shoo! Go enjoy yourself for once!

Mr Crocker bears being evicted from his home with great composure. John is upstairs, but there’s no risk of his interrupting them, he’s playing at being a sullen teenager who never leaves his room. Jane takes a tray of cookies from the oven and sets them on a wire rack to cool. The kitchen smells wonderful, as it always does. 

Jane pats her apron distractedly. She’s run out of things to do, and is now confronted with five minutes with only her thoughts until she can expect Dirk, dragging Jake into his punctuality. Not that there’s anything wrong with this! Her thoughts, just like the rest of her, are perfectly lovely.

_Oh,_ she realises. She hasn’t prepared drinks. Of course she has a selection, but for her friends wouldn’t it be nicer if she mixed up some punch? Of course it would be. She picks up her Bowlbuster and selects her recipe. It whiles away the minutes until the doorbell rings.

It is, as predicted, Dirk and Jake. Jake beams and Dirk smiles with maybe a quarter of his mouth. Jane hugs them both warmly and then ushers them in. They sit comfortably in the living room, moving to their usual seats without hesitation.

JANE: So, are we wagering on when Miss Lalonde will be joining us?  
JAKE: Dirk always wins the scoundrel.  
JAKE: I think he has insider information.  
DIRK: Nah, just know Roxy and have a head for statistics.  
DIRK: I can hazard a guess if you want.  
JANE: Please do!  
DIRK: Not as late as she would be if this were morning, but she’s been pulling some mad hours trying to get her DDR project off the ground.  
JANE: Oh no, I thought she’d abandoned that.  
DIRK: No such luck, she doesn’t care if there’s a market for it or not.  
JAKE: I think its a capital idea!  
JAKE: It will brighten up the humdrum of our every day lives.  
JAKE: Ill be the first in line to feed that pork-hollow of hers.  
JANE: Jake, Dirk lives with you too.  
JANE: You can’t make it so he has to go a round with some dance game just to load the dishwasher.  
DIRK: I’ll deal.  
DIRK: It’ll keep me in shape.  
JAKE: Precisimismo!   
JANE: That’s not a word.  
DIRK: My money’s on about 45 minutes for Ro-Lal.  
JANE: Well, that’s enough time for a spot of poker, don’t you think?

Jane takes a deck of cards from her sylladex and slides them from the cardboard sleeve. She squares them against the coffee table before fitting them in one hand in preparation. She waits for Dirk and Jake’s approval before she starts to shuffle. Dirk nods, a slight pop in his eyebrow showing his amusement at her antics, and she expertly draws her fingers and thumb towards each other, expelling the cards in a neat arc to her other hand. She speaks as she starts to shuffle in earnest.

JANE: Alright, boys.  
JANE: Seven-card stud.   
JANE: Deuces are wild and jokers are bugs.  
JANE: The cards speak and we follow the queen.  
JANE: Sawbuck minimum.  
JANE: Am I understood.  
JAKE: Crystal.  
DIRK: Not a word.  
DIRK: Deal, Crocker.

Dirk understands better than any of them, having researched the shit out of poker after finding out that Jane played like a devil. He’s skilled enough to feign an amount of ignorance, confusing whether he plays his cards face up or down when he has a bad hand to throw the round and shrugging his luck when he wins. He never wins _too_ much. Jake is the only one who believes his ruse. 

They play for 42 minutes precisely before there’s a knock at the door. Jane smiles at Dirk as she pulls the chips of the round towards her and then rises to answer the door. Dirk takes one of her chips and throws it at Jake’s forehead.

DIRK: Jane, Jake’s stealing your chips.  
JAKE: I! No! You!  
DIRK: It’s cool, I’m disciplining him. 

Dirk gets Jake in a headlock and wrestles him into the couch. Jake’s chips spill into the centre as he flails like a cat who does not want to be dunked into a bath. Dirk plants his elbow between Jake’s shoulder blades and they both fall heavily to the floor, Dirk still in control. Jane walks back into the room with Callie and Roxy and Dirk tips an imaginary cowboy hat and nods. Jake manages to get a hand underneath him and pushes up with all his strength while Dirk is being ironically polite, lifting Dirk’s torso up with him. Dirk rolls off him and holds his hands up in surrender before he can be deservedly tackled back.

DIRK: Don’t be rude, man, we’re guests here.  
JAKE: You are in for such a walloping when we get home mister.  
ROXY: yr relationship is truly goals  
CALLIOPE: coUld i make Use of yoUr icebox, jane?  
CALLIOPE: i have some meat in my sylladex.  
JANE: Of course, Callie.  
JANE: I thought I’d make the sandwiches fresh when you were all here, if you’ll excuse me.  
DIRK: Absolutely not.  
DIRK: Let me sous for you.  
JANE: A gentleman!  
JANE: If you insist, I wouldn’t hate the company.  
ROXY: want our help 2 janey?  
JANE: I think the kitchen would be a bit crowded, how about you entertain Jake for me.  
JAKE: I dont need entertaining like some bippy with no chops for my own melon’s idling!  
ROXY: yea i can do that lmao

Dirk uses Jake’s head to heave himself to his feet. Roxy sits in his usual place on the couch as he and Callie follow Jane into the kitchen. Roxy waits a few seconds until she hears the sounds, but not words of conversation. So long as they don’t shout (not a guarantee with Jake, but she can hope), they shouldn’t be heard either. Especially as Roxy’s private conversations are rarely overheard. She pats the other cushion and Jake sits like a civilised human.

ROXY: u ok jakey?  
JAKE: Oh yes!  
JAKE: Right as rain on a spring day.  
ROXY: mk but r u rly?  
JAKE: Strider never hurts me when we have a little bit of a blue.  
ROXY: i dont mean yr bod hot stuff  
ROXY: u gots some sads about u i can tell  
JAKE: Shucks roxy you always cut right to the cheese and crackers.  
JAKE: Things are a bit off in the consort kingdom. Caso del us specifically.  
ROXY: o no :(  
JAKE: Yeah.  
JAKE: Its just that dirk always tries *so hard* you know?  
JAKE: Its more than a little suffocating.  
ROXY: o boy ive heard this one b4  
JAKE: Oh no its not like last time.  
JAKE: Well its a little like last time.  
JAKE: Ever since you know  
JAKE: *Whispers conspiratorially* the wedding.  
JAKE: Hes gotten even more intense about sorting my feelings out.  
ROXY: wats wrong w yr feelings?  
JAKE: I dont precisely know.  
JAKE: I think i would prefer not to think about my feelings being wrong but hes treating me with velvet gloves and i cant forget it.  
JAKE: He compliments me every day.  
ROXY: wat a bastard lmao  
JAKE: Im talking a whole fuckload of flapadoodle arent i?  
ROXY: maybe  
ROXY: but u cant help yr feelins j  
ROXY: wat u can help is talkin 2 him  
ROXY: coz thats where shit hit the whirling ceiling device last time  
JAKE: *Sigh.*  
JAKE: Youre right of course.  
JAKE: It feels mighty callous to complain about him being considerate though.  
ROXY: wat abt saying that u think u need some emotional space?  
JAKE: Thats the other thing!  
JAKE: Hes always telling me to do my own things and he has his own life too!  
JAKE: Its like he has a schedule for giving me space!  
JAKE: In fact i suspect he literally does. Hes very calculating roxy.  
ROXY: so wat im hearing is theres no winning with this  
JAKE: I think not.  
ROXY: u know u could tell him yr feelings even tho theyre not supes fair right?  
ROXY: hed want 2 know  
ROXY: gotsta take em into account with his plans lmao  
ROXY: i think yr tryin 2 get out of doing the communication biz  
JAKE: When you put it that way!  
JAKE: Kissing fiddlesticks roxy a man cant give his glad lad the slippery dip like that!  
JAKE: I have to get my act together.  
JAKE: I will talk to dirk and well sort this out.  
JAKE: Thank you roxy!  
JAKE: I needed to be set straight.  
ROXY: u got it jakester

Jake’s face screws up in concentration as he starts to formulate a plan. Roxy, who had been shuffling the abandoned cards idly during the conversation she’s had _many_ times before, starts playing solitaire. So far talking like this has not once resulted in Jake’s changing, but it’s something she feels obliged to do. If nothing else, it could inspire him to meet Dirk halfway, even if he finds an excuse not to talk about his feelings. 

Ten minutes in the past, in the kitchen, Jane starts what she hopes will be an innocent conversation as she hands Dirk cucumbers to slice.

JANE: So, I hear you’ve been organising a mixed-species consort musical.  
JANE: How’s that going?  
DIRK: It could be going worse.  
DIRK: I’ve adapted one of my bro’s movies, and therefore the poor quality of the singing actually suits the story.   
DIRK: The salamander who plays Geromy is not getting her character’s motivation.   
DIRK: You heard correctly, I’m having a female salamander perform the highlight of Donald Glover’s very impressive filmography. 

This masterstroke occurred to Dirk while adapting the script. He’s a feminist now. He narrowly avoids telling Jane and Callie this. A real feminist doesn’t expect congratulations for promoting equality.

JANE: What does Dave think of this?  
DIRK: He says it’s the only logical progression of his alternate self’s artistic vision.  
DIRK: I honestly can’t tell whether he’s bullshitting me.  
CALLIOPE: i don’t think dave woUld fib to yoU.  
DIRK: He doesn’t like conflict.  
DIRK: He could stand to be more like Jade, she’s very direct.  
CALLIOPE: is she still staying with yoU?  
DIRK: Like 30% of the time. Probably.   
DIRK: The house is pretty big, she could have moved every possession she has in there and I wouldn’t have noticed.   
JANE: No, she definitely stays here sometimes.  
JANE: She’s a dab hand at cooking, and is always up for a spot of investigating!  
DIRK: Yeah, I think she’s good for Jake, too.  
CALLIOPE: how so?  
DIRK: He doesn’t feel completely fucking constrained by her presence.  
CALLIOPE: oh dear.  
DIRK: I don’t mean that.

Dirk pushes the board of cucumbers towards Jane and she passes him the bread she’s buttered to cut the crusts off. Both Jane and Callie are silent, looking at Dirk anxiously. He has a reputation for being taciturn about this kind of thing.

JANE: Would you like to talk about it?  
DIRK: No.  
JANE: Well, alright then.

Dirk sets his jaw and catches himself halfway into a slice that would have cut the chopping board in half along with the bread. He finishes it gently. He looks up at Jane and Callie. Callie’s claws are worrying at the hem of her top and Jane is being over-careful as she arranges cucumber on the triangles Dirk has made.

He remembers fights about him not communicating his feelings and grimaces at himself. He remembers other fights about his inability to trust and feels worse. Okay then. Time to be vulnerable. Dirk Strider is as awesome and efficient about being vulnerable as he is at everything else he does. 

DIRK: I’m trying, you know?  
JANE: Whatever your flaws, Dirk, not trying hard enough has never been one of them.  
CALLIOPE: was it...  
CALLIOPE: yoU know when?  
DIRK: Partially, but to be honest we were having troubles before the wedding.  
DIRK: I don’t know what else to do.  
JANE: What are you doing now?  
DIRK: Watching every inane movie he brings home.  
DIRK: Encouraging him and actually showing my affection.  
DIRK: Kicking him into the dirt, but only when he wants to get his wrestle on.  
DIRK: I’m seriously not even trying to train him outside of, you know, emotional intelligence.  
DIRK: I don’t know.   
DIRK: I’m making an effort to be nice. Considerate.   
CALLIOPE: yoU are nice and considerate!  
JANE: Yes, I’m with Callie on this one.   
JANE: Dirk, you have to let yourself rest.  
DIRK: You know me, don’t know the meaning of the word.  
DIRK: Come on, let’s get these sandwiches in there.  
JANE: Are you sure?  
JANE: Do you mayhaps need a hug?

Dirk hesitates, plate in hand. He’s already said so much more than he should have; he likes to keep his shit tidy. But...

DIRK: Yeah, I’ve always got time for a Jane hug.

He puts the plate down and returns the hug that Jane steps into so naturally. He rests his cheek on her head. After a moment, he holds his arm and gestures for Callie to get in on this. Jane smiles at her and strokes her scaly arm. 

It hurts Dirk that it feels so much less complicated to hug Jane like this. He doesn’t need an excuse, they just love each other. And she always approaches him, so he doesn’t feel awkward about asking for this closeness. He squeezes both his arms too tight and the girls laugh breathlessly before he lets them go. He picks up his plate again and leads the way back into the living room. 

Jane follows, the warm feeling from the hug souring in her belly. She wants to be as supportive as she just appeared, but it’s hard. She felt herself growing excited when Dirk was talking about his problems with Jake. _Hopeful._

She sits with her friends and takes a sandwich, grateful for Roxy’s launching into a story and saving them from silence. She’s not up for conversing, not when she’s trying _again_ to rid herself of all feelings relating to one Jake English. She doesn’t even know where his charm lies, by all accounts he’s a difficult man to be in a relationship with. She tells herself it’s because she’s a fifth wheel with her friends. When she goes off to college she’ll undoubtedly meet a handsome man who will sweep her off her feet. She just needs to stop picturing him as Jake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time someone makes conversation with Dirk I'm just like "what ridiculous thing can he be filling his free time with now".


	7. Chapter 7

DAVE: okay you did good  
DAVE: these digs are dope  
ROSE: I know.

Last year, Dave booked a fancy hotel and high tea. There was irony involved, as well as a little passive aggression about how their meeting together was such a rare occasion as to deserve the fancy venue, which meant it was a perfect setting for Rose. This year, Rose has handled the booking.

They’re the only ones in the gallery. The photography features mostly tasteful nudity (with some tasteless exceptions), all blurred because the camera is focused on mundane objects in the scene around them. Dave pauses in front of a photo of a bright yellow bucket and spade at the beach, where, half out of frame and blurred to shit a man is sunbathing with a _sundial_ of an erection.

DAVE: genius  
ROSE: It’s less fun to tease you about your being drawn to a naked man now that you’re semi-openly bisexual.  
DAVE: well theres an advantage to sidling casually out of the closet i didnt think of  
ROSE: I still will, but I won’t derive the same enjoyment out of it.

Dave smiles just a little bit. Rose matches him, though her eyes are shaped with a joy his shades are probably obscuring. 

DAVE: speaking of gay shit  
DAVE: hows the wife?  
ROSE: Excellent segue, I’m sure she’ll be delighted when I recount it to her.  
DAVE: rude and also unfair  
DAVE: i cant snitch on you to my wife cause she doesnt exist  
ROSE: I’m confident that the lack of a ring does not deprive Karkat of his willingness to listen to what you get up to.  
DAVE: ...  
ROSE: Okay, enough.  
ROSE: Every mild tease I’ve directed in either of your directions about your "bromance" has been met with the same terse silence.  
ROSE: This is our annual ecto-sibling oversharing session.  
ROSE: I demand oversharing.  
DAVE: nothin to overshare

Dave shrugs and moves to the next photo. Rose waits a moment, reins in her frustration, and follows at a sedate pace.

DAVE: why would i even want to be looking at a regular ass toaster oven under any circumstances and when theres a naked chick right there its like dude the toaster oven should not be getting an INCH of my attention and yet  
DAVE: the composition man  
DAVE: everything draws your eye to the damn thing INCLUDING the naked chick  
ROSE: Dave, what’s going on between you and Karkat.

Dave shrugs again and moves to the next photo. Rose grips the air behind his head and shakes it as she pulls a face, breathes, and steps beside him calmly. 

DAVE: i mean were roommates and best bros same as usual thats the deal  
DAVE: theres no other deal why would there even be any other deal  
ROSE: Aforementioned awkwardness.  
DAVE: okay so shits been a bit tense since  
DAVE: ...  
ROSE: You can say “the wedding”.  
ROSE: It’s not a curse, despite its effects.  
DAVE: man you know i hate that though  
DAVE: that was your WEDDING and we all got alien high and did stupid shit  
DAVE: i want to remember it because you and kanaya were just so fucking in love and honestly i shed a very manly tear at your vows  
DAVE: id be happy remembering it because i painted a chicken  
ROSE: I don’t think that would have happened without the alien high.  
DAVE: cmon its gotta be killing you

Rose turns and examines the photo in front of them more closely. 

ROSE: Amazing that it’s been a full year since we last did this.

Dave rolls his eyes.

DAVE: is that it  
DAVE: we dont live together on a rock hurtling through the dickhole of the universe so we dont talk anymore  
ROSE: We talk.  
DAVE: rose

There’s room for another person to fit comfortably between them. Dave reaches across the gap and takes Rose’s hand without moving closer. Both of them stare forward at the photo. Rose lets her hand lie limp in Dave’s as she tries to process this decision.

ROSE: Um.  
DAVE: i dont know why i did that

Dave tries to drop Rose’s hand but she grabs him before he can. They continue to face forwards. Their arms are a hammock that has dried stiff after falling in the sea. 

ROSE: We died like this.

Dave nods, though Rose is too focused on the photo to see. 

ROSE: I’m sorry I’ve been distant.  
DAVE: you were shit at holding hands back then too  
ROSE: So stop.  
DAVE: nah

Dave pulls Rose away from the photos and to the tall table and stools they’ll be eating at. She ordered something that’s close enough to Mexican. Some parts of living in Texas were okay. He pulls her stool out for her, the chivalry of the gesture ruined when she has to scoot it back towards the table so she can reach the food.

ROSE: It does hurt, that my wedding is a painful memory for everyone.  
ROSE: Kanaya asked if I wanted to do it again. It’s legal now.  
DAVE: so are you?  
ROSE: No.  
ROSE: We haven’t all been in the same room since.   
ROSE: I don’t want...  
ROSE: I know everyone was trickster, but I can’t shake the feeling that it would just happen again, except worse.  
DAVE: i want to say it wouldnt so damn much  
ROSE: Yeah.

Rose takes something that’s pretty much a quesadilla and starts eating it, a hand underneath the one holding it in case the cheese drips out. Dave takes a taco. It’s a real taco, no fucking about with “almost”s. The least their paradise could do was make it so tacos were a thing. 

DAVE: okay so the deal with me and karkat  
ROSE: You don’t have to.  
DAVE: fuck that  
DAVE: i have some hangups but youre rose  
DAVE: youre who i tell my weirdest dreams to even though i know youre gonna punch through every one of my insecurities as you diagnose me with whatever is dog eared in the dsm you carry around in your head  
DAVE: not that i have insecurities  
ROSE: Perish the thought.

Dave has a talent for word-smithery that may or may not actually be divine. He can handle a taco and a ramble at the same time.

DAVE: anyway there really isnt actually a deal  
DAVE: there maybe could have been  
DAVE: i kinda think we were working up to it  
DAVE: i mean you cant rush shit like that were best bros we live together  
DAVE: theres a very careful dance  
DAVE: or there might have been i dunno it was probably all in my head  
ROSE: I don’t think it was all in your head.  
DAVE: look i appreciate that but you dont know karkat like i do  
DAVE: the guy loves everyone  
DAVE: i know he loves me best and i fucking earned that okay  
DAVE: but getting karkats love isnt that special he probably loves people who ask him where the train station is  
ROSE: Okay, okay.  
ROSE: You were doing a dance.  
DAVE: yeah or i think we were and then i fuckin bellyflopped in the middle of it  
DAVE: ladies and lords jumping back from their two aisles like oh my stars  
DAVE: theyd been hoping to touch hands through gloves or maybe even waists  
DAVE: shit thered probably have been some clapping involved  
DAVE: and there i am flopped on the floor like a fucking starfish  
DAVE: cello player just leaves because he cant stand to see such a disgrace to the arts  
DAVE: i was so fucking STUPID

Dave would put his head in his hands if they weren’t full of taco juice. He groans and faceplants onto Rose’s shoulder instead. She pats his head uncertainly. He lifts his head again and gives her a judgemental look, as if to say that he doesn’t find the accommodations at her shoulder to be to his standards. He shoves a whole fajita in his mouth. Rose redirects the conversation.

ROSE: What was the dance supposed to look like?  
DAVE: god i dont know

Rose looks at him with disgust, so Dave obligingly swallows his mouthful. 

DAVE: okay  
DAVE: so we enter the dance hall and were playing coy  
DAVE: were looking at each other from across the room but were not asking to dance yet weve still got shit to prove  
DAVE: were pretending that terezis still an option until she blows that sky high and were sitting there like okay  
DAVE: i GUESS seeing as theres no one ELSE we could perhaps hang out  
DAVE: waltz or whatever  
DAVE: and we wait for the song to end but we stand next to each other and maybe okay it wont be the end of the world if we dance  
DAVE: so we line up in those lines facing each other  
DAVE: and one of us steps in and does his prancey bullshit and steps back  
DAVE: then the other steps in you know how it goes  
DAVE: we circle each other  
DAVE: the other dancers make an archway and we go through it i dont know   
DAVE: why the fuck did i choose dancing i dont know shit about dancing  
DAVE: whatever  
DAVE: you know what the dancing analogy works  
DAVE: because those georgian sons of bitches were all about covert glances and code words and shit  
DAVE: did you just drop your hat on accident or are we engaged now who can say  
ROSE: Would it actually kill you to speak directly?  
DAVE: better not to risk it  
ROSE: Why can’t you pick yourself up off the floor and start the dance again?  
DAVE: i guess i am doing that

In every selfie Dave sent before the end of the world, his face was perfectly expressionless, his clothes identical, the only change being the location and the number of freckles half hidden by his shades. He’s much more expressive in real life, even if he thinks being able to revert back to a thin line of a mouth is the same thing as never having smiled or grimaced or opened it with shock in the first place.

He does manage to look put together at the moment. For the first time, he owns that he wants to be, so to speak, in the dance. He looks like he’s signing up for war.

DAVE: its hard rose  
DAVE: i know it might not look like it from the outside  
DAVE: i know you got your shit figured out at 15 and thats cool  
DAVE: i dont think i have my shit figured out yet  
ROSE: You don’t have to.  
DAVE: i do though  
DAVE: because if i dont take my place in this dance then someone else is going to  
DAVE: and you know what fuck the dance for one goddamn minute  
DAVE: were adults now  
DAVE: my shit? its so past expired that not even the bro who piled it there would eat it and i saw him eat some rank shit  
DAVE: i just want to be normal rose  
DAVE: is that just off the table for me

The two of them were already best friends before they spent three years as the only humans in each other’s company. They’ve laid in alchemised sleeping bags and talked about very meaningful things as they stared up at the ducts and pipes that hung exposed in many of the meteor’s rooms. They’ve sat back to back and said nothing at all, because all that there was to say was already said or unsayable and they just needed to know they were not alone. They’ve typed into computers from within the same lab, Dave grinning privately to himself as he heard proof that yes, Rose does laugh at his jokes. They both think that they must have known they were brother and sister long before they found out, because of course they are the same, they always were. 

They don’t really do this face to face thing that other people do. Where do people even look when someone is talking like this?

ROSE: Could we do this over text?

That makes Dave laugh. Rose smiles at him. 

ROSE: If you’re not ready to dance, that’s okay.  
ROSE: I don’t think Karkat’s any more likely to find another partner than you.  
DAVE: i dont even know if i do like him that way  
DAVE: what if my idiot brain has just latched itself onto him because hes nice to me  
DAVE: i havent had an excess of that you know  
ROSE: I know.  
ROSE: Well, as much as you allow me to know.  
DAVE: and right back at ya  
DAVE: can we just  
DAVE: talk about something else?  
ROSE: The weather, perhaps?  
DAVE: dirk says you two talk sometimes  
DAVE: you replacing me?

He says it with a careless drawl and Rose snorts in derision. It reassures him that she finds it ridiculous.

ROSE: You and I still talk more than I talk with him.  
ROSE: He does make up for it somewhat with intensity.  
DAVE: yeah hes like that

Rose knows that Dave wants her to speak about something inane, but she can’t quite muster it. Her thoughts are entirely focused on how much he’s still hurting himself over being hurt. She doesn’t quite want to move past it, not when it’s been far too long since they last spoke this openly. Dave’s never had a talent for dropping a subject just because it’s uncomfortable either.

DAVE: hey you know how dirk sometimes lectures you  
DAVE: i dont mean like he tells you off i mean like you can feel his need for a chalkboard and you kinda suspect that hes rehearsed his monologue in advance  
ROSE: Yes.  
DAVE: my bro did that too  
DAVE: dont tell him that  
ROSE: I won’t.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: and i kinda like it when dirk does it because hes just so painfully looking for approval even when hes aloof and thats about as far away from bro as you can get  
DAVE: but jesus sometimes i hear his voice as he does a spiel on human kingdom movie history as a comparative study to our earth’s and its just  
DAVE: i KNOW hes really just a nerd but its hard  
ROSE: I understand.

Rose hesitates. Of all the people she could talk to about her mom, Dave would be the one who would actually understand. She can’t talk to Roxy about it, because Roxy feels things so much and she doesn’t need to feel guilt for what her alternate self was like. But she never has talked to Dave, apart from the casual way they both did as children, because, well, if they were comparing scars ... he actually has some.

But if she can’t trust him with her stories, how is he supposed to trust her with his?

ROSE: I talk to Roxy more than Dirk.  
ROSE: Even though I have forgiven Mom, I find myself occasionally dropping into old habits.  
DAVE: like what  
ROSE: Like distrusting her affection.  
ROSE: Even though I’ve never seen Roxy drunk, I don’t know if I ever saw Mom sober, so the way she talks with the chatspeak and the slight slur like she can’t quite be bothered with her sentences…  
ROSE: It’s my mom all over again, and it’s painful.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: i cant imagine thinking of roxy as insincere  
ROSE: It’s more that I couldn’t get a read on her sincerity. Mom’s.   
ROSE: She was a very sad woman, and she pretended to be a very happy one.  
ROSE: Her affection was so overblown that I couldn’t believe it was true.  
ROSE: This wasn’t just my being a paranoid child, though let’s not discount that.  
ROSE: I asked to have a funeral for a pet and she constructed a mausoleum. I bought her a vacuum cleaner and she bronzed it. I said brattish, hurtful things and she told me how much she loved me.  
ROSE: It all became part of the same game in my mind, so her “love” was as passive aggressive as the enormous wizard statue she had craned into our house.  
ROSE: I became repulsed by her hugs, convinced that she was an extraordinary woman brought down to the indignities of domestitude by my intrusion upon her life and resolved that I would not be some ignorant, smiling child in the face of that.  
ROSE: I was sure I was a burden to her and only considered that she might be trying to reach across a divide that I constructed once she was dead.  
ROSE: I know my mom cared about me.  
ROSE: I know Roxy cares about me.  
ROSE: Sometimes my heart forgets, though.

They stare at each other across the table, each hurting for the other. Their respective childhoods have not given them roadmaps for dealing with empathy. 

DAVE: i didnt know  
ROSE: I didn’t say.

He doesn’t apologise because he knows she would hate it, and he knows that they’re on a precipice, so close to falling into the abyss where she lashes out and keeps lashing out until he’s so distracted by his own hurt that he can’t look her way. She hasn’t gone for his throat in a while, but this is a bigger deal than usual.

DAVE: why now?  
ROSE: Because I can’t imagine thinking of Dirk as uncaring, but I trick myself into thinking Roxy is.  
ROSE: I guess I’m saying that I understand, but with far too many words.  
DAVE: nah its a good amount of words  
DAVE: you could say more words  
DAVE: if you wanted  
ROSE: Not right now.  
DAVE: being drunk isnt as funny as it looks in the movies  
ROSE: Being a ninja isn’t as cool as it looks in the animes.

The tension is too much for either of them to sustain. Rose smiles enough to indicate that the seriousness is over. He smiles back, unguarded. And then he puts his cool-guy mask back on.

DAVE: seriously hows your gay wife you never told me  
ROSE: She’s been better.  
ROSE: Given the... situation.  
DAVE: yeah  



End file.
